Re: If you want a thread to die
Some Asshole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night
"Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"
"There's a tap underneath, taste it."
That's when the fight started
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave,
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends overthere."
That's when the fight started
I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Ezra Brooks
and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really thinkso."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
That's when the fight started
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what daya
woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
That'swhen the fight started
Re: If you want a thread to die
Trace Adkins just won All Star Celebrity apprentice!!! GO DAWGS!!!!
Re: If you want a thread to die
Thought for the day: “Life’s tough … it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
John Wayne
Re: If you want a thread to die
How Many Of TheseDo You Remember?
Candy cigarettes...
Wax Coke-shaped wax bottles with colored sugar water inside...
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles...
Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes...
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum...
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers...
Newsreels before the movie...
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...( Yukon 2-601). Party lines...
Peashooters...
Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records...
78 RPM records...
Green Stamps...
Mimeograph paper...
The Fort Apache Play Set...
Do You Remember a Time When Decisions were made by going...
'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best
Friends'...
Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
Re: If you want a thread to die
Like when IRS stood for Internal Revenue Service ... instead of Illegal Restriction Service?
Re: If you want a thread to die
Two medical studentswere walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old mansurely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him, "We're medical studentsand couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on thesyndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said;"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two finemedical students think."
The first studentsaid, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said,"You thought - but you are wrong."
The other studentsaid, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said,"You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him,"Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong,"
Re: If you want a thread to die
Phil decided to go deer hunting before season opened. He went to his favorite bottoms, parked his pickup truck and waded deep into the woods with his favorite rifle. Sure enough, a young buck comes in range and Phil drops him. He goes over, picks up the deer, throws him over his right shoulder, puts his left arm through the strap on his rifle and began walking back to his truck. Just as he approached his truck out stepped a game warden, too close for Phil to take of running. Phil walks slowly toward the game warden who finally asks, " What's that on your shoulder?" Phil looks over to his left shoulder and looks back at the game warden, "My rifle."
The game warden replies, "the other shoulder." Phil slowly turns his head, looks over to the right , and jumps and yells "yeiiiiigh, git that thing off me!!!!"
Re: If you want a thread to die
I know, I know, that joke is lame. I need to hurry up and call ESPN's customer care. Maybe they can help me out.
Re: If you want a thread to die
Quote:
Originally Posted by
OLDBLUE
I know, I know, that joke is lame. I need to hurry up and call ESPN's customer care. Maybe they can help me out.
I got a laugh out of it.. And by the way, OLDBLUE.....thanks for helping me keep this thread alive.
Re: If you want a thread to die
Quote:
Originally Posted by
OLDBLUE
I know, I know, that joke is lame. I need to hurry up and call ESPN's customer care. Maybe they can help me out.
Don't ever call Medicare for any help. They put you on hold for 20 minutes. Then, when someone answers, they say that isn't their department and they give you another number to call. Then, the process starts all over again!!
Re: If you want a thread to die
It is their test for hemorrhoids!
Re: If you want a thread to die
It always turns out positive!
Re: If you want a thread to die
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bagwhile we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Re: If you want a thread to die
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of man's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, &I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mail man this morning and messedhim up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from allthe blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
Re: If you want a thread to die
You know by today's standards none of us were suppose to ever make it. My how the liberals have screwed up our country and education system. Hum...and it all started when we took God out of the classroom as well.
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with
his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over,looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 - School goes into lock down,FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 -Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to thePrincipal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returnsto class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 - Jeffrey is given huge dosesof Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin withthe Principal out on the smoking dock
2013 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2013 -ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
