VERY well trained. Bet he will do the same on bikini bottoms too!Quote:
Originally Posted by OLDBLUE
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VERY well trained. Bet he will do the same on bikini bottoms too!Quote:
Originally Posted by OLDBLUE
Well, if a cat can learn to flush a toilet....I guess a dog can learn to sweep!!:DQuote:
Originally Posted by OLDBLUE
Damn, this long wait for football season is driving me insane!!:shocked2:
If you have ever used an electric fence or knowsomeone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but he tells it like it is without cursing.If you don't laughhysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This wassent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heardabout burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure thisnever happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along thetop of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feetinto the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in theground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a factthat I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reacheddown to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is aboutthe size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire onthe cover.
Time stood still.The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up thefront side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmowerignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at onewith the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower werefighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times inless than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where timeis creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap yourpants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it wasso close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto thefence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. Igrew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always hadthose piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now acceptingsignals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At thispoint I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until thelawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping runpattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered inpoop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ....Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely andremains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go commandfrom its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in myown backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he leftme there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity hadcreated.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out ofgas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and thenanother long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the groundstill holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resultingthrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (notthe left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as youmight think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our littlesession cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was betterthan new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of thenumber 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. Iappreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make surethe fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over thefence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do tohim, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds meto triple check before I mow. :D
Reminds me of the anecdote about the guy who fell to the temptation and tasered himself.
Found it, long but very funny:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the
I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!a
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
magic number is now 946
One thread talks about how the "bigs" need the "no return games" to service their debt. What is it about our culture that the majority gives the "power brokers" control until some radical socialist manages to work them up into revolution?
Because of humility? Admirable. Ignorance? Possibly. Stupidity? Seemingly.
I'm leaning toward the latter.:D
I hope for the former.:angel::angel:
I'm appalled at the other.:bomb:
Any other old-timers out there remember this? This is close to the perspective from the seat I sat in the first night I ever stepped foot into the old stadium at the age of 15. Fond memories of watching my brother's excellent performance at "riding the pine." :D
Actually, he did get about 5 carries that night.
Do you remember that the track ran behind the far side bleachers? Right close to the middle of the picture was where the standards and pit were for pole vulting. I remember them putting the standards up on coke cartons to get enough height for a certain NELa vaulter (John Pennel) to set a stadium record. The section under the water tower in the background was the student section. GO DAWGS.
http://ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.46302...h=188&c=7&rs=1
Last in this one for graduation May, 1966.
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.46926...h=188&c=7&rs=1
Canoeing anyone? Rulers of the concrete canoe!!! YEA DAWGS!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.49762...h=187&c=7&rs=1
Pigtails (I think opening game in the TAC against S. Cal.)
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.45363...h=188&c=7&rs=1
Nope. You passed "insane" a long time ago. :icon_wink:Quote:
Originally Posted by 70TECHGRAD
magic number 939.