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  1. #1
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    Big Grin Paw-Litical Jokes

    OK.. this is intended to lighten up our Paw-Litics Forum. Being "Fair and Balanced" as BB&B is, I think we need a Political Joke Thread. Jokes from both sides of the aisle welcome! Here's the first.

    Democrats Appease Dictators

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYz4oNPfuhE

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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    Come on guys. There are plenty of good political jokes that exist, on both sides, outside of the beltway. We all can not be that serious huh?

  3. #3
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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    A well known Cannibal was in his regular butcher shop looking for some fresh human brain. As he peered through the glass case, he noticed that the prices were very different for each type. The electrician's brain was $10/lb. The plumber's brain was $15/lb. He even saw that the scientist's brain was $50/lb. What shocked him the most was the price of the politician's brain. It was $200/lb.!!!!!!!!!! He asked the butcher why in the world it would cost so much. The butcher responded "Do you have ANY IDEA how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brain????"

  4. #4
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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    There you go. I didn't think they actually had any brains. I knew they lacked any real heart. But we all know they have lips that move.

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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    I put this on the Joke thread located in the General Stuff forum, but it is probably better suited for here. I enjoyed reading it.


    > Through one of my political operatives I have received a copy of the
    > agenda for the Democratic National Convention / 2008:
    >
    > 7:00 PM Opening Flag Burning
    > 7:15 PM Pledge of allegiance to the U.N.
    > 7:30 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 7:30-8:00 PM Nonreligious prayer and worship: Jessie Jackson and Al
    > Sharpton
    > 8:00 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 8:05 PM Ceremonial Tree Hugging
    > 8:15--8:30 PM Gay Wedding / Barney Frank Presiding
    > 8:30 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 8:35 PM Free Saddam Rally: Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
    > 9:00 PM - Keynote Speech: The proper etiquette for surrender: French
    > President Jacques Chirac
    > 9:15 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 9:20 PM Collection to benefit the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant
    > fund
    > 9:30 PM Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
    > Bay: Sean Penn
    > 9:40 PM Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson
    > Clinton
    > 9:45 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 9:50 PM Dan Rather presented the Truth in Broadcasting Award:
    > Presented by Michael Moore
    > 9:55 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 10:00 PM How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
    > Trade Center Towers: Howard Dean
    > 10:30 PM Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad,
    > President of Iran
    > 11:00 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 11:05 PM Al Gore reinvents the internet
    > 11:15 PM Our Troops are War Criminals: John Kerry
    > 11:30 PM Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
    > 12:00 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
    > 12:05 PM Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home
    >
    >
    >
    >

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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the expression "Bull Sh**" As I grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became "BS."


    Q. What did I really mean when I used those expressions?

    A. I meant that something was ridiculous, or idiotic or a half truth or just stupid. It covered any number or negative formats. The dictionary defines it as: nonsense<
    http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nonsense>; ; especially : foolish insolent talk



    I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions in the future. When I have the need to express those feelings, I will use the word "Pelosi".



    Let me use it in a sentence. "That is just a bunch of Pelosi." I encourage you to do the same. It is such a good word. It really packs a lot of punch. We are no longer being vulgar. But it clearly expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, possible we can get the word in the dictionary. And that would be an excellent legacy for the Speaker of the House.

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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes


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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes


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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes


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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    Political Science for Dummies: DEMOCRAT:You have two cows.Your neighbor has none.You feel guilty for being successful.You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

    REPUBLICAN:You have two cows.Your neighbor has none. So?

    SOCIALIST:You have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    COMMUNIST:You have two cows.The government seizes both and provides you with milk.You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:You have two cows.Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION:You have two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.Your stock goes up.

    FRENCH CORPORATION:You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION:You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.You break for lunch. Life is good.

    RUSSIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count them and learn you have five cows.You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

    TALIBAN CORPORATION:You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

    IRAQI CORPORATION:You have two cows.They go into hiding.They send radio tapes of their mooing.

    POLISH CORPORATION:You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

    BELGIAN CORPORATION:You have one cow.The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy.

    FLORIDA CORPORATION:You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

    CALIFORNIA CORPORATION:You have millions of cows.They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Aaarnold likes the ones with da big uddas.

  11. #11
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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    WARNING FROM PAKISTAN
    October 19, 2008

    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military actions against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 Managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOLcustomer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us NO more candidates for President of the United States!

    It's gonna get ugly!!!

  12. #12
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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    i have a really tasteless one about Palin but I don't think most of you would like it although I am sure most would secretly laugh. even Republicans

  13. #13
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    Re: Paw-Litical Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS View Post
    Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the expression "Bull Sh**" As I grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became "BS."


    Q. What did I really mean when I used those expressions?

    A. I meant that something was ridiculous, or idiotic or a half truth or just stupid. It covered any number or negative formats. The dictionary defines it as: nonsense<http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nonsense>; ; especially : foolish insolent talk



    I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions in the future. When I have the need to express those feelings, I will use the word "Pelosi".



    Let me use it in a sentence. "That is just a bunch of Pelosi." I encourage you to do the same. It is such a good word. It really packs a lot of punch. We are no longer being vulgar. But it clearly expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, possible we can get the word in the dictionary. And that would be an excellent legacy for the Speaker of the House.
    That's truly disgusting, Tyler......
    You should be ashamed of yourself.
    There's no way I could ever honor bullshit by spelling it with a capital "p".

    Does a bear crap in the woods?
    Does a bull pelosi?

    Cheers. :icon_wink:
    I know that you believe you understand what you think I said...... But I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

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    Why did the chicken cross the road?


    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    BARACK OBAMA:The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change !
    JOHN MC CAIN
    : My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    SARAH PALIN: That road the liberal media claim that chicken crossed? Well that is the Road to Nowhere, and I told Congress. Thanks but no thanks to that. So there isn't any road for that chicken to cross and any reporter who says otherwise ought to be fired.
    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.. But then, this really isn't about me.
    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
    ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die . In the rain. Alone.
    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
    PAPA KEN: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


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