The University of Louisiana at Lafayette Announces Several Major Changes

LAFAYETTE (AP)--After dealing with thirty years of struggle, backroom dealing, and shady politics, the university’s name controversy at Lafayette is finally over.

University officials held a press conference earlier this morning to announce three new university policies which officials say will bring sweeping changes not just to the university and the city of Lafayette, but also to the State of Louisiana and the world.

“This is a great day for all of us here at Lafayette, and the beginning of a new chapter in this great university’s history,” said Joseph Savoie, the university president.

The press conference started with Mr. Savoie announcing that the university’s name will change effective on September 1st, 2014.

In less than three weeks, the university’s official name will change from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette to “The University”.

“The name change reflects our belief that this university shouldn’t be limited based on geography,” Mr. Savoie said. “Instead of being perceived as the local university of a hellhole in the middle of a swamp or the school with the second-best academic rankings in the University of Louisiana System, ‘The University’ will be seen as THE higher education institution of the world, and quite frankly, the universe.”

Mr. Savoie then transitioned from the name change announcement to the lingering issues with The University’s initials.

“We battled for over thirty years over our initials. Some wanted UL. Others wanted ULL. It was a struggle that drained some of our energy and focus away from building The University into the premiere university of the universe.”

Joseph Savoie then announced the second major change for The University.

“We had to come up with new initials, a new slogan to fit our new name and status in the universe,” Savoie said. “We believe we have something unique to our university. From now on, we will not be known as ULL or even UL.”

“The University will call ourselves ‘The U’”, Savoie declared as he made a U-shaped symbol with his hands.

When asked if some universities might be upset with the new initials, Mr. Savoie assumed an air of defiance.

“I don’t care who is upset with us,” Savoie said. “The University of Florida stole the nickname ‘The Swamp’ from us decades ago. Our new saying is our own original work. I don’t care if a bunch of coked-up Tony Montanas in south Florida are upset with us over ‘The U’.”

Officials with the University of Miami refused to comment on The University’s actions, but one of them was overheard making a phone call to one Mr. Sosa from Bolivia.

Mr. Savoie commented further on The University’s changes by making the third and final announcement at the press conference.

“We must protect The University’s name and initials by any means necessary. That means no more ULL. That means no more UL. We are simply ‘The U’. To cement and reinforce The University’s new name and initials, I am announcing that The University is banning the use of the letter L on this campus effective immediately.”

Joseph Savoie is seeking support from politicians to ban the use of the letter L throughout the entire state.

“I am very confident that the members of the State House and Senate agree with our wise move, and I beieve that the great State of Ouisiana is better off without that stupid etter. Those guys in at U-Onroe, A Tech, SU-Baton Rouge, Grambing, and Tuane, or anyone ese in the state can’t say those other names we were once referred to. They can’t hurt our fragie tender feeings anymore.”