The Pow Wow - Voices
Issue: 11/15/02

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Pickup-lines and two-bit sex at ULM
By Rob Bird

"So…what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"
"So…did you get hurt? …When you fell from Heaven?"

"I lost my phone number…could I have yours?"

"Do you have any Irish in you? No? Would you like some?"

Who came up with this crap?

Girls, does this stuff actually work? If it does, then who here has the problem? It sure isn't the guys. They're just fishing with cheap bait. You're the one swallowing it.

However, I don't think you're that naïve, at least not all of you. I think you're better than that. But, I could be wrong. I have been before.

How about a little honesty? Wouldn't that be nice? If you're horny, just come out and say it. Why are we taught to repress our urges? We are taught that we must go through certain pre-sexual rituals. What a crock of crap!

For instance, the act of buying drinks. Why should I buy you drinks all night in the hope that you will lay me? Sleep with me first and I'll buy you drinks all week. Doesn't that make more sense? Why should you get the reward before you do the trick?

And guys, there's something you need to do…grow up! It seems that men fall into one of two categories. Either you act like some Anthony Michael Hall, pain-in-the-ass, Mr. Sensitive or you're trying to be some tough, gangster-like, Eminem wanna-be. What's the deal? Women want originality, not some poser with an extreme case of penis envy.

Now, what happens if, either through honesty or subversion, you do get lucky? Well, this is where it gets complicated.

One of you will either fall in love or ignore the other one when it's over. Whatever happens, it isn't right. First of all, don't fall in love. You don't know anything about each other. He was horny and you were open to the idea of resolving that issue. That's it, nothing else! There was not a magical moment like in the movies. You did not see forever in his eyes, and she sure as hell does not complete you. It was just sex.

More than likely there was alcohol involved and, believe me, nobody's ugly at closing time.

The other option is wrong too. You just can't ignore the fact that you just bumped uglies with someone.

Who knows, you might need to tap into that resource again. Haven't you ever heard of networking? This goes for both ladies and gentlemen.

Ok, what if you do go out some more and it works out? Well, whoopee, I'm happy for you. But that's love crap and we'll leave that to Dear Abbey.

Let's talk about post-sex cold shoulders and breaking up.

If he or she does try to blow you off after sex, there is only one justifiable reason. You suck. Yes, you are one of the few who are better off alone in a restroom than in the sexual company of other humans.

You will not be allowed to procreate. Go practice on some trees or something. That's pretty much all you can say about that.

Breaking up, however, is very interesting. There are certain do's and don'ts you must follow.

Do: Give back any cheap thing they gave you.

Don't: Give back anything expensive.

Do: Bounce right back and go get laid.

Don't: Mope around and feel sorry for yourself.

Do: Drink

Don't: Think

Do: Buy something nice for yourself.

Don't: Buy something deadly for them.

That's just a few, but you get the point.

The main thing is not to stalk, threaten, or hurt anyone. You lost, go away. Who knows, maybe somebody else will actually like you.

Well, that's basically how it works here, or at any other university. (Except Tech. They have an entirely different set of issues there. It's the whole incest thing, you know? There's nothing worse than when a family member dumps you for a farm animal.) So, why don't we get out there and see what we can do to change things? We need more honesty and a free sexual spirit. No more games. No more lies. Let's all just grow up and get satisfied.


Rob Bird is a Monroe history and anthropology major sophomore honor student. The opinions in this column are his own and do not represent the opinions of the Department of Communications or tThe College of Art and Sciences.



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