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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute TYLERTECHSAS's Avatar
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    Jokes

    Where did our joke thread go?

    >Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
    >One turns to the other and says,"you know, last week I discovered that if
    >you jump form the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
    >floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
    >around the building and back into the window."
    > The bartender just shakes his
    >head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
    > The 2nd man say "what
    >are you? A nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
    > The first man replies
    >"no, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar,
    >jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes
    >the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back in
    >the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
    > The second man say "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but
    >that must have been a one time fluke."
    >First man: "No, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps and hurtles
    >toward the street when the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
    >building and back into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow
    >drinker to try it. The second man decides "What the
    >hell, it works, so I'll do it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
    >downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor and hit the sidewalk with
    >a 'splat'. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker
    >"You know Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk."

  2. #2
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    Re: Jokes

    Hope this one doesn't offend anyone.


    A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks
    at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
    The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons.
    One more and I'll have a basketball team."

    The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
    "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll
    have a football team."

    To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue.
    I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course


  3. #3
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    Re: Jokes

    Catholics, please dont be offended.

    There are four nuns going to confession.

    The first nun sits down in the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I saw a man's thing the other day." The Father says that is ok, just wash you eyes out with holy water.

    The second nun sits down in the confessional and tells the prest, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a man's thing the other day." The Father with a gasp tells her to say 10 hail marys and wash her hands with holy water.

    Just before the third nun went, the fourth nun taps her on the shoulder and asks to go in front of her. The third nun says sure but why. The fourth nun says, " I wanted to get a swig of that holy water before you plopped your ass in it."

  4. #4
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by dhussdawg
    Catholics, please dont be offended.

    There are four nuns going to confession.

    The first nun sits down in the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I saw a man's thing the other day." The Father says that is ok, just wash you eyes out with holy water.

    The second nun sits down in the confessional and tells the prest, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a man's thing the other day." The Father with a gasp tells her to say 10 hail marys and wash her hands with holy water.

    Just before the third nun went, the fourth nun taps her on the shoulder and asks to go in front of her. The third nun says sure but why. The fourth nun says, " I wanted to get a swig of that holy water before you plopped your ass in it."

  5. #5
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    Re: Jokes

    > A priest and a rabbi are flying on a plane when they strike up a conversation.
    > After a couple of hours the priest looks at the rabbi and asks him if he can ask a rather personnal question.
    > The rabbi says, "Sure, ask me anything," at which point the priest mentions the rule about Jews not eating pork products and asks the rabbi if he has ever broken that rule.
    > The rabbi ponders the question for a moment and then confesses that he did eat bacon one time in his earlier years.
    > The rabbi then asks the priest if he can ask him a personnal question.
    > The priest agrees and the rabbi mentions the rule of priests having to remain celibate and asks him if he has ever had sex with a woman.
    > The priest turns red and is obviously uncomfortable, but finally answers yes to the question, explaining that before he took his vows of celibacy, he wanted to experience what it was like just one time and found a willing young lady.
    > At that moment the rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?"

  6. #6
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Lone Star Dawg
    > A priest and a rabbi are flying on a plane when they strike up a conversation.
    > After a couple of hours the priest looks at the rabbi and asks him if he can ask a rather personnal question.
    > The rabbi says, "Sure, ask me anything," at which point the priest mentions the rule about Jews not eating pork products and asks the rabbi if he has ever broken that rule.
    > The rabbi ponders the question for a moment and then confesses that he did eat bacon one time in his earlier years.
    > The rabbi then asks the priest if he can ask him a personnal question.
    > The priest agrees and the rabbi mentions the rule of priests having to remain celibate and asks him if he has ever had sex with a woman.
    > The priest turns red and is obviously uncomfortable, but finally answers yes to the question, explaining that before he took his vows of celibacy, he wanted to experience what it was like just one time and found a willing young lady.
    > At that moment the rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?"

  7. #7
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    Thumbs Up Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS
    Where did our joke thread go?
    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS

    >Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
    >One turns to the other and says,"you know, last week I discovered that if
    >you jump form the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
    >floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
    >around the building and back into the window."
    > The bartender just shakes his
    >head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
    > The 2nd man say "what
    >are you? A nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
    > The first man replies
    >"no, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar,
    >jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes
    >the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back in
    >the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
    > The second man say "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but
    >that must have been a one time fluke."
    >First man: "No, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps and hurtles
    >toward the street when the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
    >building and back into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow
    >drinker to try it. The second man decides "What the
    >hell, it works, so I'll do it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
    >downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor and hit the sidewalk with
    >a 'splat'. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker
    >"You know Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk."


    That was great !

  8. #8
    Champ StrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to allStrongBad is a name known to all StrongBad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A Girls Night Out

    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls" and told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise."

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 A.M, a bit loaded, I headed home. Just as I got in the door, the f'ing cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

    When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh crap." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

  9. #9
    Champ Dirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond repute Dirtydawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    You know you're a Redneck Jedi if....


    You hear, "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

    You ever said the phrase, "May the Force be with y'all."

    Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

    You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

    At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

    You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

    You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

    The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

    Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

    You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
    have to wait for a commercial.

    You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

    You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
    thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

    You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

    You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
    through the window.

    Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
    a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

    You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

    You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood
    deck.

    You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

    Your father has ever said to you, "Why shucks, son, come on over to the
    dark side...it'll be a hoot."

    You really don't care that Princess Leia is your sister...

    You can repair a broken light saber using a Budweiser bottle as a
    focusing crystal.

    You use the Force to make Jiffy Pop.

    You had to reinforce the CB antenna on your landspeeder to keep it from
    flying off.

    The deflecting of a blaster pistol shot off your belt buckle saves your
    life.



  10. #10
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    Re: Jokes

    Those are great!

  11. #11
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    Re: Jokes

    On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

    The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

    The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

    Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

    She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

    "No," said the little boy... "I give up," she said. "What is it?"

    The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

  12. #12
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    Re: Jokes

    Ex-President Clinton steps off his private jet with a piglet under his arm. A smiling assistant greets the former president. The conversation went like this:

    Assistant: Nice pig you got there Sir.

    Clinton: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.

    Assistant: Nice trade Sir!

  13. #13
    Champ TechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud ofTechsasDawg has much to be proud of TechsasDawg's Avatar
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    Big Grin Re: Jokes

    Ole Hank bought a new Lexus LS 430, and returned the next day,complaining that he couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. Watch this he said...Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie? Willie! He continued....and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

    Hank drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say 'Beethoven', he'd get beautiful classical music, and if he said 'Beatles', he'd get one of their awesome songs.

    One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed his new car, but he swerved in time to avoid them. ASSHOLES! He yelled.....

    The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

    This is a true story!!!!!

    TD
    ~~

  14. #14
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    Re: Jokes

    TD


  15. #15
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    Re: Jokes

    A couple of jokes someone sent me today - -

    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
    folding items the woman
    wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a
    remote control for a
    television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
    I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband
    refused to come shopping with
    me,
    and I figured this was the most evil
    thing I could do to him
    legally."


    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for
    several miles, not saying a
    word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an
    argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their
    position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules,
    goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically,
    "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a Marriage Seminar
    dealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
    instructor,
    "It is essential that husbands and wives
    know each other's likes and
    dislikes."
    He addressed the man,
    "Can you name your wife's favorite
    flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm
    gently and whispered, "It's
    Pillsbury, isn't it?

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