Jokes

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Where did our joke thread go?

>Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
>One turns to the other and says,"you know, last week I discovered that if
>you jump form the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
>floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
>around the building and back into the window."
> The bartender just shakes his
>head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
> The 2nd man say "what
>are you? A nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
> The first man replies
>"no, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar,
>jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes
>the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back in
>the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
> The second man say "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but
>that must have been a one time fluke."
>First man: "No, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps and hurtles
>toward the street when the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
>building and back into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow
>drinker to try it. The second man decides "What the
>hell, it works, so I'll do it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
>downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor and hit the sidewalk with
>a 'splat'. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker
>"You know Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk."

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Hope this one doesn't offend anyone.


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks
at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons.
One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll
have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue.
I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course

[dhussdawg]

Catholics, please dont be offended.

There are four nuns going to confession.

The first nun sits down in the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I saw a man's thing the other day." The Father says that is ok, just wash you eyes out with holy water.

The second nun sits down in the confessional and tells the prest, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a man's thing the other day." The Father with a gasp tells her to say 10 hail marys and wash her hands with holy water.

Just before the third nun went, the fourth nun taps her on the shoulder and asks to go in front of her. The third nun says sure but why. The fourth nun says, " I wanted to get a swig of that holy water before you plopped your ass in it."

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Catholics, please dont be offended.

There are four nuns going to confession.

The first nun sits down in the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I saw a man's thing the other day." The Father says that is ok, just wash you eyes out with holy water.

The second nun sits down in the confessional and tells the prest, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a man's thing the other day." The Father with a gasp tells her to say 10 hail marys and wash her hands with holy water.

Just before the third nun went, the fourth nun taps her on the shoulder and asks to go in front of her. The third nun says sure but why. The fourth nun says, " I wanted to get a swig of that holy water before you plopped your ass in it."

[Lone Star Dawg]

> A priest and a rabbi are flying on a plane when they strike up a conversation.
> After a couple of hours the priest looks at the rabbi and asks him if he can ask a rather personnal question.
> The rabbi says, "Sure, ask me anything," at which point the priest mentions the rule about Jews not eating pork products and asks the rabbi if he has ever broken that rule.
> The rabbi ponders the question for a moment and then confesses that he did eat bacon one time in his earlier years.
> The rabbi then asks the priest if he can ask him a personnal question.
> The priest agrees and the rabbi mentions the rule of priests having to remain celibate and asks him if he has ever had sex with a woman.
> The priest turns red and is obviously uncomfortable, but finally answers yes to the question, explaining that before he took his vows of celibacy, he wanted to experience what it was like just one time and found a willing young lady.
> At that moment the rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?"

[TYLERTECHSAS]

> A priest and a rabbi are flying on a plane when they strike up a conversation.
> After a couple of hours the priest looks at the rabbi and asks him if he can ask a rather personnal question.
> The rabbi says, "Sure, ask me anything," at which point the priest mentions the rule about Jews not eating pork products and asks the rabbi if he has ever broken that rule.
> The rabbi ponders the question for a moment and then confesses that he did eat bacon one time in his earlier years.
> The rabbi then asks the priest if he can ask him a personnal question.
> The priest agrees and the rabbi mentions the rule of priests having to remain celibate and asks him if he has ever had sex with a woman.
> The priest turns red and is obviously uncomfortable, but finally answers yes to the question, explaining that before he took his vows of celibacy, he wanted to experience what it was like just one time and found a willing young lady.
> At that moment the rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?"

[Red's Better]

Catholics, please dont be offended.

There are four nuns going to confession.

The first nun sits down in the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I saw a man's thing the other day." The Father says that is ok, just wash you eyes out with holy water.

The second nun sits down in the confessional and tells the prest, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a man's thing the other day." The Father with a gasp tells her to say 10 hail marys and wash her hands with holy water.

Just before the third nun went, the fourth nun taps her on the shoulder and asks to go in front of her. The third nun says sure but why. The fourth nun says, " I wanted to get a swig of that holy water before you plopped your ass in it."

[saltydawg]

The 2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

**And now, the honorable mentions:**

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a Ne w York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home p arked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrivedat the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home nearspilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[Choudawg86]

not really a joke, but, something that i experienced:

went to a store near the Mill in west monroe last week. As I was walking around looking for something I heard a man as a woman if she was going on over to some place. She said "heck naw, i aint goin' over der i still got that restraining order". As made my way to the counter i notice something being sold among all teh candys on top of the counter. There was an empty candy box and in it were diapers being sold as singles. 25cents per diaper. Brownville folks can claim to be higher class then Bawcomeville all they want, but, only if you're actually one of them can you tell the differnce in the two. :icon_wink:

[Choudawg86]

Hope this one doesn't offend anyone.


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks
at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons.
One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll
have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue.
I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course

im offended, im a bar owner and i would never let Jews, Catholics or Mormons in my establishment You've got to have standards !!!

[Cal&Ken]

Bill Clinton had a box under his bed that he told everyone not to look into. One day Hillary couldn't stand it any longer and opened the box. Inside she found 3 coke cans and $100. She was really curious now and decided to ask Bill what the deal was. He finally explained - every time he cheated he decided to put a can in the box to remind him of what he had done. Hillary thought about it and decided that 3 times - that was not too bad. But, Hillary was still confused - she asked about the money. Well Bill explained, everytime he got alot of cans he cashed them in and put the money in the box as well.

[dawg80]

im offended, im a bar owner and i would never let Jews, Catholics or Mormons in my establishment You've got to have standards !!!

You wouldn't have to with all those good Baptists crowded in there.

[JAY]

Study: Gay Children Dislike Playing Smear the Queer


A group of elementary school children in Eugene, Oregon take part in a game
of smear the queer Tuesday. The queer is pictured at the bottom right.

A joint study released today by the National Recess Board, the Gym Teacher
Association of America, and GLAAD found that homosexual children dislike
playing smear the queer by an almost 3-to-1 margin.
The findings come after a 10-year study looked at more than 50,000 grade
school children across the country and studied their feelings towards the
popular schoolyard game in which one child is arbitrarily deemed the
“queer,” and then is repeatedly tackled, thrown to the ground or pelted with
kick balls depending on local rules. The study was funded by a $40 million
federal grant.

“The research proves what many have long suspected – gay children feel
excluded, even targeted, by their classmates from smear the queer,” said
Mary Levine, president of the National Recess Board. “What some see as a
harmless child’s game is really a societal mechanism to discriminate against
homosexuals at an early age. The queer smearing needs to stop in this
country immediately.”



Seventy-four percent of gay children surveyed said that they feel either
“sad,” “different,” or “disliked” when their peers play smear the queer. A
majority also reported they often found themselves to be the target of the
game, with gay or effeminate boys being deemed the “queer” more than 90
percent of the time.

“The other kids always smear me. I hate that game,” said an eight-year old
gay boy from Nebraska in the report (no names were disclosed). “Everyone
makes me the queer ‘cause they say I run weird and because I design stylish
clothing for my G.I. Joes during lunch. They tackle me and kick me and punch
me. I wish we never played that stupid smear the queer.”

“Every day when we go out for recess or have a free day during gym class all
of the bigger boys point at me and say: ‘Lets play smear the queer
everybody. [Name withheld]’s the queer. Get him!’” said a 10-year old
Maryland boy. “Then they chase me around for a half hour, tackling me and
jumping on me. It is my least favorite part of school.”

Of the 26 percent of homosexual children who said they “enjoyed” smear the
queer, 80 percent were girls, a segment the study found is rarely made the
“queer” in the game and, in fact, often hands out a disproportionate amount
of the beatings.

“Of those who do the smearing of the queer, most were extremely homophobic
straight boys, but we also found many gay girls, who in grade school often
seem to be quite brawny, did heavy amounts of queer smearing,” said Larry
Childs of GLAAD.

The other 20 percent of those who said they “enjoyed” smear the queer were
gay boys who claimed they believed the game rightfully punished them for
their homosexuality.

“I know from what my dad says sometimes about the people on the TV that I
shouldn’t be gay,” said a 7-year old Texas boy. “So when we play smear the
queer I always pray that the other kids will beat the queer out of me so I
can be a normal boy. But it hasn’t happened yet.”

“My Sunday School teacher told us that being gay is wrong,” said an 11-year
old Ohio boy, “so I see smear the queer as God punishing me for not stopping
my gayness. And also, I like it because sometimes I can kiss the other boys
when they tackle me.”

The idea that the playing of smear the queer should be stopped has not been
met with unanimous support, however. Anti-homosexual and faith-based family
groups across the country said that the results of the study prove that
smear the queer serves a valuable purpose.

“Smear the queer is the first line of defense against the scourge of
homosexuality,” said Dick Platt, director of the Family Foundation
Association. “Who knows how many gay children have been turned back on the
straight path by being smeared at an early age.”

“Playing smear the queer is an important part of growing up in America,”
said Rodney Richards, president of AmeriFam. “Of course gay children don’t
like smear the queer. It’s because they know that their lifestyle is wrong.
If we outlaw the game we’ll have written a free pass for queerdom to
overtake this great country.”

Yet despite such protests, it appears smear the queer’s last days are on the
horizon; researches have already received a federal grant to conduct a
15-year study to find ways in which children can be discouraged from playing
the game.

“We hope that by 2020, our nation’s young queers will feel free to walk
their school’s grounds without the fear of being smeared,” said GLAAD’s
Childs

[shreveportdawg]

Study: Gay Children Dislike Playing Smear the Queer


A group of elementary school children in Eugene, Oregon take part in a game
of smear the queer Tuesday. The queer is pictured at the bottom right.

A joint study released today by the National Recess Board, the Gym Teacher
Association of America, and GLAAD found that homosexual children dislike
playing smear the queer by an almost 3-to-1 margin.
The findings come after a 10-year study looked at more than 50,000 grade
school children across the country and studied their feelings towards the
popular schoolyard game in which one child is arbitrarily deemed the
“queer,” and then is repeatedly tackled, thrown to the ground or pelted with
kick balls depending on local rules. The study was funded by a $40 million
federal grant.

“The research proves what many have long suspected – gay children feel
excluded, even targeted, by their classmates from smear the queer,” said
Mary Levine, president of the National Recess Board. “What some see as a
harmless child’s game is really a societal mechanism to discriminate against
homosexuals at an early age. The queer smearing needs to stop in this
country immediately.”



Seventy-four percent of gay children surveyed said that they feel either
“sad,” “different,” or “disliked” when their peers play smear the queer. A
majority also reported they often found themselves to be the target of the
game, with gay or effeminate boys being deemed the “queer” more than 90
percent of the time.

“The other kids always smear me. I hate that game,” said an eight-year old
gay boy from Nebraska in the report (no names were disclosed). “Everyone
makes me the queer ‘cause they say I run weird and because I design stylish
clothing for my G.I. Joes during lunch. They tackle me and kick me and punch
me. I wish we never played that stupid smear the queer.”

“Every day when we go out for recess or have a free day during gym class all
of the bigger boys point at me and say: ‘Lets play smear the queer
everybody. [Name withheld]’s the queer. Get him!’” said a 10-year old
Maryland boy. “Then they chase me around for a half hour, tackling me and
jumping on me. It is my least favorite part of school.”

Of the 26 percent of homosexual children who said they “enjoyed” smear the
queer, 80 percent were girls, a segment the study found is rarely made the
“queer” in the game and, in fact, often hands out a disproportionate amount
of the beatings.

“Of those who do the smearing of the queer, most were extremely homophobic
straight boys, but we also found many gay girls, who in grade school often
seem to be quite brawny, did heavy amounts of queer smearing,” said Larry
Childs of GLAAD.

The other 20 percent of those who said they “enjoyed” smear the queer were
gay boys who claimed they believed the game rightfully punished them for
their homosexuality.

“I know from what my dad says sometimes about the people on the TV that I
shouldn’t be gay,” said a 7-year old Texas boy. “So when we play smear the
queer I always pray that the other kids will beat the queer out of me so I
can be a normal boy. But it hasn’t happened yet.”

“My Sunday School teacher told us that being gay is wrong,” said an 11-year
old Ohio boy, “so I see smear the queer as God punishing me for not stopping
my gayness. And also, I like it because sometimes I can kiss the other boys
when they tackle me.”

The idea that the playing of smear the queer should be stopped has not been
met with unanimous support, however. Anti-homosexual and faith-based family
groups across the country said that the results of the study prove that
smear the queer serves a valuable purpose.

“Smear the queer is the first line of defense against the scourge of
homosexuality,” said Dick Platt, director of the Family Foundation
Association. “Who knows how many gay children have been turned back on the
straight path by being smeared at an early age.”

“Playing smear the queer is an important part of growing up in America,”
said Rodney Richards, president of AmeriFam. “Of course gay children don’t
like smear the queer. It’s because they know that their lifestyle is wrong.
If we outlaw the game we’ll have written a free pass for queerdom to
overtake this great country.”

Yet despite such protests, it appears smear the queer’s last days are on the
horizon; researches have already received a federal grant to conduct a
15-year study to find ways in which children can be discouraged from playing
the game.

“We hope that by 2020, our nation’s young queers will feel free to walk
their school’s grounds without the fear of being smeared,” said GLAAD’s
Childs

Why screw up a good thread with an article about butt pirates. No one wants to read that shit

[Haughtondawg]

Where did our joke thread go?

>Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
>One turns to the other and says,"you know, last week I discovered that if
>you jump form the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
>floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
>around the building and back into the window."
> The bartender just shakes his
>head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
> The 2nd man say "what
>are you? A nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
> The first man replies
>"no, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar,
>jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes
>the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back in
>the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
> The second man say "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but
>that must have been a one time fluke."
>First man: "No, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps and hurtles
>toward the street when the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
>building and back into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow
>drinker to try it. The second man decides "What the
>hell, it works, so I'll do it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
>downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor and hit the sidewalk with
>a 'splat'. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker
>"You know Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk."

That was great !