Jokes

[Dawgbert]

IF you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"

Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it .

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole
milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

[JAB]

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.


Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

[WWDog]

An oldie.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As the bar tender leaves, he reaches into his over coat and pulls out a foot tall man dressed in a tux. He then pulls out a baby grand piano just the right size for the foot tall man. The little guy sits on the bench and begins to play a really nice tune. The drunk sitting next to the man slaps his forehead and says "that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen". "Where on earth did you get this little piano player?" The first guy says that it is a long story but if you are willing to listen, I'll tell you while he finishes his song. The drunk says sure, why not. Well I was on a sea cruse hit an iceberg. The ship sunk rather quickly but I managed to get out. For days I clung to a hunk of wood until I was finally washed ashore on a desert island. There was just enough food and water to sustain me. For a couple of years it was really touch and go with survival. Then one day this bottle washed ashore. I picked it up and pulled the cork out thinking there was something to supplement my meager rations. But there was nothing inside it. I shook the bottle in hopes that something would come out. To my amazement a genie appeared. The genie told me I had three wishes. Obviously for the first wish I was returned to civilization. For the second wish, I got this little piano player with the piano thrown in for good measure. The drunk looked at the guy in disbelief, then said, "So you have one more wish." The guy said that is correct. The drunk then asked if he could have the last wish. The guy thought on it for moment then relented since the drunk seemed to be such a nice person. The guy said that he needed to warn him that the genie was a little defective. The drunk didn't care. He grabbed the bottle produced by the guy and pulled the cork. The genie appeared and said close your eyes and in your mind say what you last wish is. The drunk closed his eyes staggered a bit and the room went poof with a flash. When the drunk looked around he saw a million ducks flying around the room. The drunk then protested that he didn't want a million ducks but a million bucks. The guy said "I told you the genie was defective. Do you really thing that I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

[WWDog]

What do you get when you put all the Big 12 cheerleaders in the same room?

A full set of teeth.

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Clinton


Missing Bill Clinton: It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is
absolutely hilarious. This came from a show on Canadian TV. There was a
black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
===========================================
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now, look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Number 4 - Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

Number 5 - When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't now, I never had one."

Number 6 - Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

Number 7 - Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly.

Number 8 - The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Number 9 - Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

[Dawgbert]

Pecking Woodpeckers!

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence that he could do it.

After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home...

[Dawg04]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some Cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy-I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will
happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Dawgbert]

Subject: Special Bullentin

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
Alabama, Arkansas, Carolinas, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisianna,
Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Virginias boys
will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1.The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

[WWDog]

Dawgbert

Your special bullentin was good enough to make my mailing list! Very funny.

[WWDog]

Military Humor

>

> Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

> After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the

> window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,

> "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

>

> After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight

> lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two

> sons, both judges."

>

> After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce

> himself With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery

> Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both

> Admirals.

>

> >>---------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy

> back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced

> colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he

> pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him

> the keys, "Yours is." (my personal favorite!)

>

> >>-----------------------------------------------------------------

>

> Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was

> sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his

> new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to

> enter, then, said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this

> afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you

> for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently

> impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

>

> "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up

> your telephone."

>

> >>-----------------------------------------------------------------

>

> Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

> Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

> Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!

> Officer: "Do you have change for a dollar?"

> Soldier: "No, SIR!" (although this one is a close second!)

>

> >>-----------------------------------------------------------------

>

> Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

> A: He'll tell you.

>

> Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

> A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

>

> Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

> A: jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

>

> >>-----------------------------------------------------------------

>

> "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman,

> "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting

> for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

>

> "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy,

> I'm never going to stand in line again!"

>

> >>------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

> At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

>

> "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer

> asked sarcastically.

>

> The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

>

> "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for

> inspection."

>

> The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

>

> "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on

> arrival in France!"

>

> The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

> Then he explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day

> in '44,

>

> I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[JAB]

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

[JAB]

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by
Herself.....
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"

[JAB]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks,
"Are they twins?" The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you
Think they look alike?" "No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got
Laid twice!"

[WWDog]

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

6

One to hold the ladder, one to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb,
and four to stand around bragging about the screwing.

[DocMarvin362]

The Beaver Hunter

An 80-year-old man says to his doctor, "I've never felt better! Life is great and I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute, then begins: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his rifle.

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. "What do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-yearold said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."