Jokes

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Too funny!

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.
Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the
Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up
fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too
hard--life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."


Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The
Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll
give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"


"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and
I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve?
Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd. . .." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see
where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite
what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and
frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your
answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up
with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . ."ANDY WALKS
WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[shreveportdawg]

Hallowed be thy name

[Choudawg86]

Hope this one doesn't offend anyone.


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks
at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons.
One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll
have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue.
I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course

im offended, im a bar owner and i would never let Jews, Catholics or Mormons in my establishment You've got to have standards !!!

[Cal&Ken]

Bill Clinton had a box under his bed that he told everyone not to look into. One day Hillary couldn't stand it any longer and opened the box. Inside she found 3 coke cans and $100. She was really curious now and decided to ask Bill what the deal was. He finally explained - every time he cheated he decided to put a can in the box to remind him of what he had done. Hillary thought about it and decided that 3 times - that was not too bad. But, Hillary was still confused - she asked about the money. Well Bill explained, everytime he got alot of cans he cashed them in and put the money in the box as well.

[arkansasbob]

"Sure", Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and
frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your
answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up
with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . ."ANDY WALKS
WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

i know this is completely off the subject and not even remotely funny, but...
this reminds me of an old lady named mrs. fan that used to go around to all the elementary schools in south arkansas to entertain the children with a spiritual lesson (back when they used to allow that sort of thing). she was a ventriliquist and had a puppet named andy. andy used to brag about the fact that there was a song about him. he also used to sing, "halelu halelu halelu haleluja; praise ye the Lord..." and mrs. fan would extend his neck about six inches above his shoulders when he sung the extended "haleluuuuuuuuuuuuujaaaaaaaaaa!" really funny stuff for a 7-year-old.

my mother said she remembered mrs. fan from when she was in elementary school and she was very old then. so she must have been absolutely ancient by the time the state cut off that sort of thing. a lifetime of service that spanned at least two generations. God bless her.

[TYLERTECHSAS]

i know this is completely off the subject and not even remotely funny, but...
this reminds me of an old lady named mrs. fan that used to go around to all the elementary schools in south arkansas to entertain the children with a spiritual lesson (back when they used to allow that sort of thing). she was a ventriliquist and had a puppet named andy. andy used to brag about the fact that there was a song about him. he also used to sing, "halelu halelu halelu haleluja; praise ye the Lord..." and mrs. fan would extend his neck about six inches above his shoulders when he sung the extended "haleluuuuuuuuuuuuujaaaaaaaaaa!" really funny stuff for a 7-year-old.

my mother said she remembered mrs. fan from when she was in elementary school and she was very old then. so she must have been absolutely ancient by the time the state cut off that sort of thing. a lifetime of service that spanned at least two generations. God bless her.

What a great story and life long ministry!

[duckbillplatty]

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankees World Series Game 6, sitting in the
first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the
Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, shakes his head and says, -"No kidding!". With that, Bill gets up,
grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and
tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, -"Bill you @@@###$$$***!!!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering,
hooting &hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to
the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would
have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the
agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, -"Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
pitch!"

[TechsasDawg]

The agent replies, -"Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch!"

Now, that was funny!!!

TD
~~

[DocMarvin362]

One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on.

He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.

She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

[aubunique]

Doc, I went to the post office before coming to work this afternoon to mail your dozen Bulldog Pride Pins and found your check in the PO box.
Thank you for adding to our Champs donation. I had to search around to find the red and blue travel bag holding the pins. I hadn't looked for it since football season! I suspect first-class mail will put the pins in your hands by Saturday. Sorry to be slow getting the package together. As a mea culpa, you will find a patriotic pin for lagnaippe.

The joke above was incredible.

[DocMarvin362]

No problem Aub, i'm in no hurry. But if i get them before Saturday, I can go to Sports 'n More and show them, and see if their interested in picking up some.

I can't take credit for the joke, it got sent to me by ways of Al Gore's project called, "e-mail"

[duckbillplatty]

A shout out to all those wonderful girls that can only be found in the land of milk and honey:

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married a Louisiana girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Gotta love those Louisiana girls!

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried

> daughter tells her parents she thinks she is

> expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore

> to buy a pregnancy kit.

>

> The test result shows that the girl is

> pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux

> says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want

> to know!"

>

> The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

>

> Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of

> Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man

> with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very

> expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the

> house. He sits in the living room with Boudreaux,

> the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good

> morning, your daughter has informed me of the

> problem. I can't marry her because of my personal

> family situation, but I'll take responsibility."

>

> "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two

> retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a

> $1,000,000 bank account." If a boy is born, my

> legacy will be a couple of factories and a

> $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory

> and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a

> miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

>

> At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained

> silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder

> and tells him, "'Den you try agin!"

[CourtDawg]

Nominated as the best short joke of the year:



A Three-year-old little boy was examining his

testicles while taking a bath.

Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet.

[Bossdawg]

Little Johnny joke.

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnnys face grew serious and he said, "You know, Im not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off"