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Thread: Jokes

  1. #31
    Champ Bossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really nice Bossdawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    My instructor for cadaver lab told this joke to us about 4 years ago.

    An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.

    After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

    Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?

  2. #32
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes

    Wow! maybe I shouldn't have started this thread back up today! Those are pretty funny.

  3. #33
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    Re: Jokes

    from www.jimbrownla.com



    More Blond Jokes....

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... and one blonde says to the other:
    "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon? "
    The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????

    SPEEDING TICKET
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

    RIVER WALK
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

    KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    BLONDE ON THE SUN
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
    The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
    "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

    IN A VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
    The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
    Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
    "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"!
    Louisiana Tech University
    Flagship of the University of Louisiana System

  4. #34
    Champ Dirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond repute Dirtydawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS
    Wow! maybe I shouldn't have started this thread back up today! Those are pretty funny.
    Yeah, you better be careful. With the nature of some of these jokes, you all might get red dotted like I did with the last joke I posted.

  5. #35
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Dirtydawg
    Yeah, you better be careful. With the nature of some of these jokes, you all might get red dotted like I did with the last joke I posted.

    Red dotted for a joke huh? I need to go back and see what you posted DD. Maybe the individual was a tad upset because your joke was so funny they had a little accident right in front of their PC.


    COUNTRY PREACHER


    I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son,
    and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of
    choosing a profession.

    Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted
    to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
    experiment.

    What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
    these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

    "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the
    door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which
    of these three objects he picks up.

    If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
    blessing that would be!

    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be
    o.k. too.

    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good
    drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

    The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps
    as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

    He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned
    around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

    With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

    What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

    He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

    He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

    "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

  6. #36
    Champ Bossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really niceBossdawg is just really nice Bossdawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Dirtydawg
    Yeah, you better be careful. With the nature of some of these jokes, you all might get red dotted like I did with the last joke I posted.
    Maybe someone takes their star wars too seriously, onthe other hand maybe they take being a redneck too seriously.

  7. #37
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Bossdawg
    Maybe someone takes their star wars too seriously, onthe other hand maybe they take being a redneck too seriously.

    Actually, it was the joke about the cajun volunteer firemen.

  8. #38
    Big Dog Easydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the roughEasydawg is a jewel in the rough Easydawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    > Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new
    > discount
    > item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain
    is
    > teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits
    > at an
    > affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be
    > inclined
    > to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but
    > "there is
    > a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing.
    She
    >
    > said: "But the right name is important." Consumer research was
    conducted
    > to
    > determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top
    > surveyed
    > names in order of popularity are:
    >
    >
    > 10. Chateau Traileur Parc
    >
    > 9. White Trashfindel
    >
    > 8. Big Red Gulp
    >
    > 7. World Championship Riesling
    >
    > 6. NASCARbernet
    >
    > 5. Chef Boyardeaux
    >
    > 4. Peanut Noir
    >
    > 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
    >
    > 2. Grape Expectations
    >
    > And the number one name for Wal-Mart wine:
    >
    > 1. Nasti Spumante
    >
    > The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white
    > meat
    > (possum) or red meat (squirrel).

  9. #39
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    Re: Jokes

    Ten Best Caddy Replies

    # 10 Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

    # 9 Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."


    Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

    # 8 Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"


    Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

    # 7 Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"


    Caddy "Eventually."

    #6 Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.


    Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

    # 5 Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction."


    Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

    # 4 Golfer "How do you like my game?"


    Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

    # 3 Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"


    Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

    # 2 Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."


    Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

    # 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."


    Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


  10. #40
    Big Dog Dawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to behold Dawgbert's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Roy the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young (hens) layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

    The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought sets of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
    Roy could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. So, now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    The farmers favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning
    Roy noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.

    Roy went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    BUT, to Farmer Roy's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and procede to the next one.
    Roy was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair, where Butch became an overnight sensation among the
    judges.

    The result: The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly Butch was a Democrat in the making. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

  11. #41
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    Re: Jokes

    Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on The Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

    The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."
    The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on."
    The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"

    God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there."
    The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold.

    After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
    God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

    The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God."

    This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God I can't talk right now.
    These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit Crawfish and Shrimp boil to install air conditioning!"

  12. #42
    Puppy CourtDawg is an unknown CourtDawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit

    lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in

    phone booths when your calling for a cab.

    I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl

    calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

    She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long

    wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm

    in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

    "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

    "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to

    come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with

    you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it

    hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole

    night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything

    you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie

    me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream,

    anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"



    She says,



    "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."


  13. #43
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    Re: Jokes

    A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him she's staying home.

    "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

    Her boss asks, "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"





    "I can't see my ass coming into work today."


  14. #44
    Big Dog Dawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to beholdDawgbert is a splendid one to behold Dawgbert's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


    1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



    4.
    6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.



    6. You watch the Weather Channel.



    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.


    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



    10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.



    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



    13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



    16. You no longer take naps from
    noon to 6 PM!



    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at
    3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach.


    19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.



    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."



    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



    24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

  15. #45
    Champ Dirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond reputeDirtydawg has a reputation beyond repute Dirtydawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawgbert
    25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


    1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



    4.
    6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.



    6. You watch the Weather Channel.



    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.


    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



    10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.



    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



    13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



    16. You no longer take naps from
    noon to 6 PM!



    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at
    3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach.


    19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.



    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."



    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



    24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

    Everyone applies except #24. I did that when I was at Tech.

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