Jokes

[ITdrummer]

PEOPLE SAY BUSH IS NOT WELL SPOKEN.........


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

[AG_jr]

We're off to see the Wizard!

Four UnitedStates Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
And off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the EmeraldCity ..

...and went to find the Great Wizard

" What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!Said the Wizard. Who ' s next? "

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:

" Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! Says the Wizard."

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,

"The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem! Said the Wizard.
Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do youwant?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

[WWDog]

The Monks




A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."



He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...



"CELEBRATE !!!"

[TYLERTECHSAS]

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Subject: The Old Farmer

A cocky Department of Transportation employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The DOT employee showed him his card and said, "I have the authority of the Federal Government to go wherever I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screaming, turned and saw the DOT employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was
gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[TYLERTECHSAS]

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while,
>the
>preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
>Bubba
>gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what do you
>want me to pray about?"
>
>Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
>
>So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top
>of
>his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands
>and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
>
>Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in
> Baton Rouge ."

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[Dawgpix]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ($HIT).

We take pride in the amount of $HIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more $HIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough $HIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $HIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[DocMarvin362]

I was burning some CD's last week and they threw me out of the bank!

If I hit my wife over the head with an IMPORT beer is that still considered DOMESTIC violence?

I heard even the pallbearers for Anna Nicole Smith were thinking about wearing condoms!

I did not get the Blackberry that I wanted for Christmas this year? Halle Berry.

I went to an all Mexican circus one time. Wow, you should have seen how many clowns they could get in one car!

In the Middle East, is the bomb squad phone number and suicide hotline number the same?

Is it irony or coincidence that Mississippi is our lowest rated state for education and also considered one of the hardest to spell? Personally, I think Massachoosits is more difficult.

I did not recognize many of the women at my 20th class reunion because they were not wearing maternity dresses!

Can Amish people create static electricity???

My last girlfriend was so easy, a caveman could have done it!

If the library has books on Alzheimer's Disease, suicide and petty theft----do they ever expect those books to be returned???

It's a good thing those kids in the national spelling B contest do not have to spell each other's names.



Many, MANY more @ http://www.markmorfey.com/more_thoughts.htm

[Dawgbert]

These were funny!!

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb@ss!"
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys c ame out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl , right in
the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very
good. But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

[Dawgbert]

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny.


What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....

when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' c o l o r e d folk's ???

[skilldawg]

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny.


What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....

when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' c o l o r e d folk's ???

That is a classic

[champion110]

Pretty funny!

Need help with your math?

http://webmail.aol.com/30128/aol/en-...As=math911.wmv

[JuBru]

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[WWDog]

Not a joke, but a joke always has a bit of truth to it or it wouldn't be funny. I think there is a bit of truth to this some might get a kick out of.

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."

~ Thomas Jefferson

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the
others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.


22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

[skilldawg]

Man in the Bass Pro Shop



> > A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel
> > for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which
> > one to get so she just grabs one and goes >over to the
> > counter.
> >
> > A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing
> > dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell
> > me anything about this rod and reel?"
> >
> > He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll
> > drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from
> > the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops
> > it on the counter anyway.
> >
> > He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
> > with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a
> > good all around combination; and it's on >sale this
> > week for only $20.00."
> >
> > She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that
> > just by the sound of >it dropping on the counter. I'll
> > take it!" As she opens her purse, her >credit card
> > drops on the floor.
> >
> > "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
> >
> > She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks
> > wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then
> > realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it
> > was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
> > she was the only person around.
> >
> > The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
> > please."
> >
> > The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
> > "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for
> > $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
> >
> > He replies," Yes, M a'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,
> > but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
> > $3.50."