Jokes

[barkly]

Slow Day in Texas

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town……..The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough and everyone is in debt and everyone is living on credit……On this particular day a wealthy traveler from back east is driving through town.

He stops at the town motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one out to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 bill and heads off to retire his debt to the local pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 bill and runs to pay his bill to the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op take the $100 bill and runs to pay his bill to the local prostitute, who has been facing hard times and has had to offer “ services“ on credit.

The hooker rushes off to the hotel to pay off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel owner then places the $100 back on the desk so the wealthy traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the traveler comes downstairs and picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything…no one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

[Dawgpix]

FROM ESPN-

Brett Favre has reported that he has retired and is planning on settling in
the Twin Cities area.

He is planning on co-owning a bakery with his team mate Adrian Peterson
where their specialty will be turnovers.

[WWDog]

Amazing Navy Chief


A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading:


"Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief."


Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Retired Navy Chief.


Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!


The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly sailor is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.


Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief."


He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Chief stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.


The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible," he tells the old sailor "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"


"Well," says the aging sailor, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

[TechsasDawg]

WARNING!!! The CDC has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of a Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim....And is pronounced "gonna re-elect-em."

Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how widespread this destructive disease has become since it is easily cured..........by voting out all incumbents!

[WWDog]

Mike Tyson walks into a bar near the Mexican boarder with his body guards in a foul mood.
He approaches the bar and yells out that he wants a bottle of the best scotch in the house.
He then leans over to the guy at the bar and says "You need to get your ass out of my way!"
The middle aged Mexican looks up at at Mike and his body guard and tells Mike where to go.
Mike looks at the guy and says "You must not know who I am, I'll kick your ass in 10 seconds flat!"
The guy at the bar says "I know Mexican Judo!"
Mike says "What the hell is Mexican Judo, I've never heard of that!"
The Mexican says "Judon't know if I have a crow bar, Judn't know if I got a knife, judon't even know if I even got a gun."

[Russdawg]

A Cajun died and went to hell.

The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit
where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later,
surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much
less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where
everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?"

The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout
Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City to me!"

The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a
sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces
blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty,
had barely begun to sweat. The devil was outraged.. "How is this
possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these
conditions!."

The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you.
I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin'
but August in Cow Island!"

So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.'
He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was
freezing, and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and
blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung
from every part of him, but he was grinning like it was Christmas.
Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're
impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used
to...freezing cold, and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven.
WHY?!"

The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Don't dis mean de Saints won da
Super Bowl?"

[barkly]

Evelyn and Shelia are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Evelyn pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Sheila : What in the hell is that?

Evelyn: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Sheila: Where did you get it?

Evelyn: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Sheila hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.

[Abominable Gorilla]

http://www.guzer.com/pictures/see_me_rollin.jpg

PS - I want a couple of those. It'd be fun for races.

[duckbillplatty]

[Dawgtrot]

Try this the next time you're boated waiting in line

Yesterday I was at a Castco store buying a large bag is Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no. I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms...

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Patina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I tole her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attach, he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.. They have all time in the world to think of crazy things to say. It will be their Laugh for the day.

[NateDawg]

or, if you're always late like me, you interperet the moral to be "don't ever be first for anything!"

This one makes me feel better about my procrastination problem. "The early bird gets the worm," but "the second mouse gets the cheese!"

[Abominable Gorilla]

A panda bear walked into a restaurant and ordered soup. After he finished the soup, he pulled out a handgun, shot three people and left. The restaurant owner chased after and asked, "What was that all about?" The panda simply pulled out an encyclopedia and pointed to the exerpt on pandas.

"The panda bear eats shoots and leaves."

[JuBru]

[Dawgbert]

http://natebloch.com/

[WWDog]

Take time to laugh y'all

Irish Alzheimer’s

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."