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Thread: Jokes II

  1. #1
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute
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    Jokes II

    Sorry for the new thread but I can't open the old joke thread since it got close to 1000 posts. I don't know why but it's the same for the Global Warming thread.


    Subject: RE: Five surgeons....

    Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to Operate on.

    The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating Table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.

    The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.

    The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction Workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine . Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
    Last edited by TYLERTECHSAS; 08-04-2008 at 12:21 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS View Post
    Sorry for the new thread but I can't open the old joke thread since it got close to 1000 posts. I don't know why but it's the same for the Global Warming thread. .
    The obvious question is whether you can open the thread with all the pictures of young ladies? I can't live without MoonPie's daily postings!

  3. #3
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by olddog75 View Post
    The obvious question is whether you can open the thread with all the pictures of young ladies? I can't live without MoonPie's daily postings!
    I've been missing that as well! :bigcry:

  4. #4
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    Re: Jokes II

    Hey! where's my props???

  5. #5
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    Re: Jokes II


    as a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
    door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
    within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

    the daughter replied: 'mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad i'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    a couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'what the *@!* are you doing?'

    the husband replied,

    'i'm watching football with my son-in-law.'




  6. #6
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    Re: Jokes II

    Three women die together in an accident and

    go to heaven.


    When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have

    one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are

    ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to

    step on a duck, and although they try their best to

    avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


    St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your

    punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend

    eternity chained to this ugly man!'


    The next day, the second woman accidentally steps

    on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't

    miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.

    He chains them together with the same admonishment

    as for the first woman.


    The third woman has observed all this and, not

    wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,

    is very, VERY careful where she steps.


    She manages to go months without stepping on

    any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her

    with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes

    on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


    The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to

    deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


    The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped

    on a duck!'

  7. #7
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    Re: Jokes II

    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
    > back andforth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help
    > you sir?""Yessh!
    > Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
    >
    >
    >
    > The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
    >
    > "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
    >
    > About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging
    > out of his fly for all the world to see.
    >
    > He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
    >
    > Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
    > missing a beat, blurts out..........
    >
    > "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
    >

  8. #8
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    Re: Jokes II


    Baptizing A Bear:

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.
    They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they're all together again to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear.
    And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
    The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

  9. #9
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    Re: Jokes II


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    Re: Jokes II

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were neighbors on de bayou. Wan day Boudreax done come polin' by Thiboedeaux's house in his pirogue and Thibodeaux and his wife Marie were on da fron' porch, and Boudreaux done had his pirogue filled up wit duck tape.

    Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux, mon frer, what you gonna done did wit all dat duck tape, sha?" Boudreaux said, "Mon I am gonna go duck, huntin'" Thibodeaux and Marie jes started laffin and laffin and tol Boudreaux, he ain't gonna git no ducks with no pirogue full of duck tape. Boudreaux jes smile and keep on polin' past dere house into de swamp. A little while later, he come back by and he done filled his pirogue full up of greenheads. Thibodeaux and Marie jes watch in disbelief as he go by.

    De nex day, Marie and Thibodeaux done et breakfast and are settin on dere fron porch when dey hear dis catterwaulin comin down de bayou. De nex ting dey know, here come Boudreax polin round de bend, and dis time he got a whole mess of cats in cages all stacked up in his pirogue. Thibodeaux and Marie holler at him and say, "Hey Boudreaux, mon whut in de hell you gonna did wit all dem cats?!?" Boudreaux jes smile and say, "Sha, I am goin cat-fishin." Thibodeaux and Marie cannot believe dere eyes and ears, and dey jes stare as Boudreaux keeps on polin by." Well before dinnertime (das lunch for all you yankees) Boudreaux come back by and his pirogue is about to sink because it is plumb full of catfish. Agin, Thibodeaux an Marie cannot believe dere eyes, dere jaws have done drapped, and dey jes watch in silence as Boudreaux poles off down da bayou.

    Well, de vary nex day, Boudreaux come polin by Thibodeaux an Marie's place agin, jes as dey step out on de fron porch for dere coffee and pipe. Dis time, Thibodeaux has done piled his pirogue full of bundles and bundles and bundles of switches. (Das not de electirical kine, for all you engineer types out dere, but it is a bunch of lil' sticks). Thibodeaux cannot stan it an he must ax his frin' "Thibodeaux, yesterday you had all dem cats, an I'll be damn if you din't go out dere an bring back a bunch of catfish, and da day before, you had all dat duck tape and went and used it to get a mess ah duck, but what in de hell is you gonn did wit all dem sticks? What is dey?" Boudreaux, said, with a lil grin, "Oh man, don' you know, dis is pussy willow." Thibodeaux bout dat quick done turnt to Marie and say, "Bye honey, I am goin wit Boudreaux today!"

  11. #11
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    Re: Jokes II

    Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?






    Fo drizzle

  12. #12
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    Re: Jokes II

    Why does Michael Jackson do all of his shopping at Wal-Mart?










    He heard they had little boys pants half off

  13. #13
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    Re: Jokes II


  14. #14
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    Re: Jokes II


  15. #15
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    Re: Jokes II

    A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
    He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
    The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
    The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
    The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
    Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



    'Your card! Show him Your card!'

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