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  1. #1
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute
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    Jokes II

    Sorry for the new thread but I can't open the old joke thread since it got close to 1000 posts. I don't know why but it's the same for the Global Warming thread.


    Subject: RE: Five surgeons....

    Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to Operate on.

    The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating Table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.

    The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.

    The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction Workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine . Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
    Last edited by TYLERTECHSAS; 08-04-2008 at 12:21 PM.

  2. #2
    Champ olddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond reputeolddog75 has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS View Post
    Sorry for the new thread but I can't open the old joke thread since it got close to 1000 posts. I don't know why but it's the same for the Global Warming thread. .
    The obvious question is whether you can open the thread with all the pictures of young ladies? I can't live without MoonPie's daily postings!

  3. #3
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by olddog75 View Post
    The obvious question is whether you can open the thread with all the pictures of young ladies? I can't live without MoonPie's daily postings!
    I've been missing that as well! :bigcry:

  4. #4
    Champ personofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to behold
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    Re: Jokes II

    Hey! where's my props???

  5. #5
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    Re: Jokes II


    as a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
    door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
    within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

    the daughter replied: 'mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad i'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    a couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'what the *@!* are you doing?'

    the husband replied,

    'i'm watching football with my son-in-law.'




  6. #6
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    Re: Jokes II

    Three women die together in an accident and

    go to heaven.


    When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have

    one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are

    ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to

    step on a duck, and although they try their best to

    avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


    St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your

    punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend

    eternity chained to this ugly man!'


    The next day, the second woman accidentally steps

    on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't

    miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.

    He chains them together with the same admonishment

    as for the first woman.


    The third woman has observed all this and, not

    wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,

    is very, VERY careful where she steps.


    She manages to go months without stepping on

    any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her

    with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes

    on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


    The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to

    deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


    The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped

    on a duck!'

  7. #7
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    Re: Jokes II

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were neighbors on de bayou. Wan day Boudreax done come polin' by Thiboedeaux's house in his pirogue and Thibodeaux and his wife Marie were on da fron' porch, and Boudreaux done had his pirogue filled up wit duck tape.

    Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux, mon frer, what you gonna done did wit all dat duck tape, sha?" Boudreaux said, "Mon I am gonna go duck, huntin'" Thibodeaux and Marie jes started laffin and laffin and tol Boudreaux, he ain't gonna git no ducks with no pirogue full of duck tape. Boudreaux jes smile and keep on polin' past dere house into de swamp. A little while later, he come back by and he done filled his pirogue full up of greenheads. Thibodeaux and Marie jes watch in disbelief as he go by.

    De nex day, Marie and Thibodeaux done et breakfast and are settin on dere fron porch when dey hear dis catterwaulin comin down de bayou. De nex ting dey know, here come Boudreax polin round de bend, and dis time he got a whole mess of cats in cages all stacked up in his pirogue. Thibodeaux and Marie holler at him and say, "Hey Boudreaux, mon whut in de hell you gonna did wit all dem cats?!?" Boudreaux jes smile and say, "Sha, I am goin cat-fishin." Thibodeaux and Marie cannot believe dere eyes and ears, and dey jes stare as Boudreaux keeps on polin by." Well before dinnertime (das lunch for all you yankees) Boudreaux come back by and his pirogue is about to sink because it is plumb full of catfish. Agin, Thibodeaux an Marie cannot believe dere eyes, dere jaws have done drapped, and dey jes watch in silence as Boudreaux poles off down da bayou.

    Well, de vary nex day, Boudreaux come polin by Thibodeaux an Marie's place agin, jes as dey step out on de fron porch for dere coffee and pipe. Dis time, Thibodeaux has done piled his pirogue full of bundles and bundles and bundles of switches. (Das not de electirical kine, for all you engineer types out dere, but it is a bunch of lil' sticks). Thibodeaux cannot stan it an he must ax his frin' "Thibodeaux, yesterday you had all dem cats, an I'll be damn if you din't go out dere an bring back a bunch of catfish, and da day before, you had all dat duck tape and went and used it to get a mess ah duck, but what in de hell is you gonn did wit all dem sticks? What is dey?" Boudreaux, said, with a lil grin, "Oh man, don' you know, dis is pussy willow." Thibodeaux bout dat quick done turnt to Marie and say, "Bye honey, I am goin wit Boudreaux today!"

  8. #8
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    Re: Jokes II

    Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?






    Fo drizzle

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    Re: Jokes II

    Why does Michael Jackson do all of his shopping at Wal-Mart?










    He heard they had little boys pants half off

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    Re: Jokes II


  11. #11
    Champ personofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to beholdpersonofbluecolor is a splendid one to behold
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    Re: Jokes II


  12. #12
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes II

    A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
    He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
    The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
    The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
    The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
    Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



    'Your card! Show him Your card!'

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    Re: Jokes II

    What Are Grits?

    Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people think grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn.
    Research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

    How Grits are Formed:

    Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Georgia , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast--not that having Grits for lunch and supper is out of the question.

    Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.

    Historical Grits:

    As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The woman's name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her friends.

    The Ten Commandments of Grits:

    I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
    II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
    III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
    IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
    V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
    VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
    VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
    VIII.Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
    IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch .
    X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

    “Towie Barclay of the Glen, Happy to the maids, But never to the men.”

  14. #14
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    Re: Jokes II

    Gilbert Gottfried just did this on the Bob Saget roast on the Comedy Channel (I changed the "bad" word):

    Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar and say to the bartender, "Give us two 'butt hurts'."

    The bartender asks, "How do you make a 'butt hurt'?"

    They say, "Simple, have Bob Saget make you a chocolate milk and 3 hours later you wake up on your stomach."

  15. #15
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    Re: Jokes II


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