Jokes II

[WWDog]

Apple Computer announced today
that it has developed
a computer chip that can store
and play high fidelity music
in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between
$499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough
because women have always complained
about men staring at their tits
and not listening to them.

[hoppinmad]

William Shatner tearing an ad genius a new one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMV1bwXyi54

[TYLERTECHSAS]

William Shatner tearing an ad genius a new one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMV1bwXyi54

Good stuff!

[Tech77]

Here is the joke our fill-in Tail Twister told at Lions Club today:

... The CIA seems to have been encountering problems with filling an opening for a position as an assassin. It seems that after several thousand applicants were interviewed, the choice was narrowed down to two men and a woman.
As a final test of suitability, a test was devised to ensure the applicants' unswerving loyalty and dedication to following instructions without question, and as such, the final choice could be made.
The first man was taken to a closed door and told "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, open the door, take this gun and kill her". The man immediately balked at the procedure, and admitted he was not the man for the job, as he could never shoot his wife.
The second man was taken to the room and given the gun and told to go in and shoot his wife who would be sitting inside the room on a chair, and he went into the room with the gun and closed the door, but came out about five minutes later. He had tears in his eyes and he also said that he was unable to shoot his wife, even though those were his orders. It had been proven that he was not the man for the job either. He was told to take his wife and go home.
The woman was then taken to the door of the room, and told that inside the door sat her husband, and that to prove her unswerving loyalty to the company, she must kill her husband. She took the gun, opened the door and went in the room, then closed the door.
There were several shots heard, then all sorts of loud noise was heard from inside the room as the agents outside tried to get inside the room, the door of which she had locked. Still unable to get in, the agents could only wait until the room fell silent and the woman finally opened the door.
They asked her what had happened and she wiped her brow and replied,

"You guys didn't tell me that the gun was loaded with blanks, I had the beat him to death with the chair".

[Nalortebi]

Q: What do you call an empty room in Wiley Tower?

A: The headquarters of the LA Tech bowl selection committee.

[TechAlum05]

Why do LSU fans not count sheep when they try to fall asleep?

When they think of sheep, they get aroused.

[WWDog]

What do you get when the entire lsu cheerleader group is assembled in one room?

A full set of teeth.

[WWDog]

The Toothbrush Salesman

A man walks into a toothbrush factory, and tells the owner..."Id like ta hath a job telling tootbrushes". The owner looks at him and replies..."I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but you have a serious speech impediment, and I don't see how you would be an effective salesman for this company". The man says "Pleath Just gib me a thance and Ill tho you whut I can do. The owner, thinking that he will get rid of him, tells him..."go to a salesman's school, graduate, and I'll give you a job"

A year later, the same man walks into the toothbrush factory, this time carrying a framed diploma, and declaring..."I'm theer about tha job The owner being a man of his word, gives him a job, He tells the new salesman that their best salesmen sell between 5 to 7 thousand toothbrushes a week.

The new salesman shows up the next week and sits dejectedly in the owners office, as the owner asks..."how many toothbrushes did you sell"?. The new salesman replies..."I told teven tootbrushes". The owner tells him if all he can sell is seven toothbrushes, then he will have to let him go.The new salesman pleads... "Pleath Just gib me a thance and Ill tho you whut I can do. The owner tells him that he will give him one more week.

The new salesman shows up the next week and sits in the owners office, as the owner asks..."how many toothbrushes did you sell"?. The new salesman replies..."I told thirtween thousand tootbrushes". The owners mouth drops, and he declares.."that's a new company record!!!, How did you sell that many toothbrushes?

The new salesman tells him.."come outt to tha air pirt and I'll tho ya ma thetup" The owner arrives at the airport and sees that the salesman has a big welcome sign, a big stack of toothbrushes, a big bowl of potato chips, and a big bowl of dip. The owner says..."I still dont see how you sold that man toothbrushes". The salesman tell him "twy a potato thip". the owner takes a potato chip, dips it, and takes a big bite. He immediately spits it out saying..."this tastes like shit!" New salesman replys..."ya it tis, wanna buy a tootbrush"

[WWDog]

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

[WWDog]

Ice Fishin’

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux go ice fishin'. They stop at a store on da side of da road and axe da cashier where dey can go ice fishin'. The cashier says “There is a frozen lake across the road and I got bait and ice picks to break the ice to fish.” An hour later Boudreaux goes to the store to buy some more ice picks. He tells da cashier “I want all da ice picks you have.” The guy says “Are you all catching alot of fish?” Boudreaux says “Catching a lot of fish! We didnt even launch da boat yet.”

[WWDog]

Boudreaux in Heven

Boudreaux, Thibodeaux, an Robichaux was standin' at de gates of heven. Saint Peter met dem an he axe, "Wat would you like to hear your relativs an friedns say at your funeral?" Robichaux say, "Ah was a well known heart doctor an Ah would love to hear someone say how Ah operate on dey heart an save dey life an gave dem a secont chance." Thibodeaux say, "Me, Ah was a school teacher an Ah shore would like to here someone say dat Ah was de one who made a diference in dey life an taut them to be a success." Boudreaux, him, he say. "You bote was grate men, an dose tings are reely grate, but me, if Ah had mah choice, Ah would rather here someone say, "LOOK, HE'S MOVIN!"

[WWDog]

Blonde Boodro

In the aftermath of Katrina, an Irishman, a Mexican and Blonde Boodro were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

Boodro opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If Ah get a bologna sandwich one more time, Ah'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
Then Blonde Boodro opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

All three bodies were laid out at the same funeral home.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde Boo's wife as she said, 'Mais, don't look at me. Dat idiot made his own lunch.'

[TYLERTECHSAS]

[WWDog]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[TYLERTECHSAS]

HOW ASPARAGUS GOT ITS NAME

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus . Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.