Jokes II

[barkly]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to

confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not

around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but

that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you

will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen

again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn the autocorrect. I

meant "wifi", not "wife".

[70TECHGRAD]

What's The Nail For?

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ...... 'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

[70TECHGRAD]

Subject: Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
Subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk I n the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,
'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[70TECHGRAD]

Subject: Sad News



Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a
very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was
considered a positive roll model for millions.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Dawgpix]

[Dawgpix]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building...

EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired engineer named DeeWayne, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position....

Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old pilot held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his assistant he said..."Another one, please."

The pilot took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said..."It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the pilot eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly....''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.

David eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall. He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth, spit it out, and musing upward all the while ... "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[70TECHGRAD]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was
most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his
jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the
"pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been
doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of
State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became
even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...


See what you get for five bucks!?"

[70TECHGRAD]

Priceless!!!!!!!

The following is worth a moment of your time to ponder.






During the 3-1/2 years of World War 2 that started with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in December 1941 and ended with the Surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945, the U.S. produced...





22 aircraft carriers,





8 battleships,





48 cruisers,





349 destroyers,





420 destroyer escorts,





203 submarines,





34 million tons of merchant ships,





100,000 fighter aircraft,






98,000 bombers,





24,000 transport aircraft,





58,000 training aircraft,





93,000 tanks,





257,000 artillery pieces,





105,000 mortars,





3,000,000 machine guns,






and 2,500,000 military trucks.






We put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services, invaded Africa, invaded Sicily and Italy, won the battle for the Atlantic, planned and executed D-Day, marched across the Pacific and Europe, developed the atomic bomb and ultimately conquered Japan and Germany.






It's worth noting, that during the almost exact amount of time, the Obama administration couldn't build a functioning web site.

[70TECHGRAD]

The Last Kiss


Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74

when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group

of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity

either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss

followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and

even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.

You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[70TECHGRAD]

My Grandfather always said, "the best exercise you can get is pushing yourself away from the supper table."

[70TECHGRAD]

FUNNY STORY

If you have Never used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.


The language used is a bit salty, but he tells it like it is without cursing.If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[70TECHGRAD]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks".

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

[WWDog]

Well it is Mothers' day and you should do what your mother says on this day. Mine is gone so I decided to do something she and all mothers advise ...

I changed my underwear just in case I get into an accident.

[70TECHGRAD]

Sounds like a true story to me.

AN OLD SALT!



Thursday night and the old sailor gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function all around his head, and a hell of a pain over his left ear, and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.



She looked deep & steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say,





"You may not feel anything from the waist down."



He managed to mumble in reply,





"Can I feel your tits, then?"

[70TECHGRAD]

My wife Won't Like It!

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived
in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Phil and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while
and I'll help you get the cart up later."


"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think
my wife would like it."


"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.


She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."


After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons,
I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is
going to be really upset."


"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart,,,," I said . . .