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Thread: Jokes II

  1. #16
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    Re: Jokes II

    Gilbert Gottfried just did this on the Bob Saget roast on the Comedy Channel (I changed the "bad" word):

    Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar and say to the bartender, "Give us two 'butt hurts'."

    The bartender asks, "How do you make a 'butt hurt'?"

    They say, "Simple, have Bob Saget make you a chocolate milk and 3 hours later you wake up on your stomach."

  2. #17
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    Re: Jokes II


  3. #18
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    Re: Jokes II

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad




    attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth

    was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the



    bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music

    and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's

    vocabulary.

    >

    > Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled



    back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John,

    in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly



    there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    >

    > Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the

    freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and



    said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

    I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

    intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable



    behavior."

    >

    > John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about

    to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird

    continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


  4. #19
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    Re: Jokes II

    A SIMPLE STORY

    Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers
    that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
    forest and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the
    villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy
    monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
    started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their
    farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
    scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he
    had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.


    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all
    these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell
    them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
    to him for $50 each."

    The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700
    billion dollars.

    They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

    Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL
    WORK!!!

  5. #20
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by dawgbert View Post
    a simple story

    once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers
    that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
    forest and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the
    villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy
    monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
    started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their
    farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
    scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he
    had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.


    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "look at all
    these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell
    them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
    to him for $50 each."

    the villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700
    billion dollars.

    They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

    Now you have a better understanding of how the wall street bailout plan will
    work!!!
    awesome!!!!!

  6. #21
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    Re: Jokes II

    Why mother's drink!


    A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
    was
    nicely made and everything was picked up.
    Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
    addressed to 'Mom' . With the worst premonition she opened the envelope
    with
    trembling hands and read the letter.

    Dear Mom,
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
    with
    my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
    I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
    you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight
    motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
    not only the passion...... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
    very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
    the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
    anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
    people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
    pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
    deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
    Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
    your grandchildren.

    Love,
    Your Son Jon

    P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at
    Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
    life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
    I love you.

    Call me when it's safe to come home

  7. #22
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    Re: Jokes II

    KIDS IN CHURCH
    3-year-old Reese :
    'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
    Harold is His name.
    Amen.'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




    A little boy was overheard praying:
    'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
    I'm having a real good time like I am.'









    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








    After the christening of his baby brother in church,

    Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
    His father asked him three times what was wrong.

    Finally, the boy replied,
    'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
    and I wanted to stay with you guys.'








    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








    One particular four-year-old prayed,
    'And forgive us our trash baskets

    as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'








    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

    were on the way to church service,
    'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

    One bright little girl replied,
    'Because people are sleeping.'










    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~










    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
    Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

    'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
    'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

    ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'










    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~










    A father was at the beach with his children

    when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

    grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
    where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

    'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

    The boy thought a moment and then said,

    'Did God throw him back down?'

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~










    A wife invited some people to dinner.
    At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
    'Would you like to say the blessing?'

    'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
    'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
    The daughter bowed her head and said,
    'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









  8. #23
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    Re: Jokes II

    Vet School



    First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

    The firstis that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'

    For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
    'The secondmost important quality is observation.

    I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

    'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'




  9. #24
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    Re: Jokes II

    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    Dear Walter,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
    husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
    mile down the road when the
    engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
    get my husband's help.





    When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
    neighbor girl.
    I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been
    married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
    that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
    stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and
    he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
    him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
    increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get
    through to him anymore. Can you please help?


    Sincerely,
    Sheila


    Dear Sheila:
    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
    variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
    debris in the fuel line. If it is clear,
    check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
    grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
    be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
    the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.



    Walter

  10. #25
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawgbert View Post
    A SIMPLE STORY

    Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers
    that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
    forest and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the
    villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy
    monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
    started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their
    farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
    scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he
    had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.


    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all
    these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell
    them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
    to him for $50 each."

    The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700
    billion dollars.

    They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

    Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL
    WORK!!!
    I put this up on the politics page about 3 weeks ago

  11. #26
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    Re: Jokes II

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


    MORAL OF THE STORY -20
    Not all Irish are drunks,
    not all blondes are dumb,
    but all men...are men.

  12. #27
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by DocMarvin362 View Post
    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


    MORAL OF THE STORY -20
    Not all Irish are drunks,
    not all blondes are dumb,
    but all men...are men.
    So, the fact it's a blond Irish woman is the joke right?:icon_wink:

  13. #28
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    Re: Jokes II

    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
    'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the nerve to say: 'You're next, Chubby'.

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

  14. #29
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by Rus-La View Post
    So, the fact it's a blond Irish woman is the joke right?:icon_wink:
    That or actually leaving a casino with money.

  15. #30
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    Re: Jokes II


    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around
    and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.Who will it be?'

    They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
    him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
    worse.

    'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
    Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
    Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher
    declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

    'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

    ******************************** ***************

    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
    from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where
    have ya been?'

    'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to
    drink this evening.'

    'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

    'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
    arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

    'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I
    thought I'd gone deaf.'
    ************************************************** ************
    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
    service, and she's in tears.

    He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
    She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
    passed away last night.'

    The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
    he have any last requests?'

    She says, 'That he did, Father.'

    The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

    She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that gun...'

    ***********************************************

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
    booth, sits down, but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the
    drunk continues to sit there.

    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on
    this side either.

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