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Thread: Jokes II

  1. #286
    Champ 70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute 70TECHGRAD's Avatar
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    Re: If you want a thread to die

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home??'

  2. #287
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    Re: If You Want A Thread To Die II

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
    they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
    jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
    stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
    bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
    of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
    from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
    and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
    were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
    the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act
    displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in
    the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am
    so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I
    put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

  3. #288
    Champ 70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute70TECHGRAD has a reputation beyond repute 70TECHGRAD's Avatar
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    Re: If you want a thread to die

    An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.



    After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble.








    Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.






    He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'






    'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.






    'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.






    'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'






    As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'






    'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'






    The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.






    After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.






    'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'






    'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'






    'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.






    'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.






    The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.






    When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.






    'This is Heaven,' he answered.






    'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'






    'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'






    'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'






    'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

  4. #289
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    Re: Jokes II

    A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

    He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
    No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
    The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

    The lady says, "What's it telling you now?
    The pilot grinned, and said "It says you're not wearing any panties."

    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

    The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
    And that my friends....is Confidence.
    WWDog
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    Flagship of the University of Louisiana System

  5. #290
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    Re: Jokes II

    Great story! It could be true.

    An old gentleman lived alone is New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard and he was old and frail. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. You would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up the garden! That is where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 AM the next morning, the FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire plot, looking for bodies. They found none, apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That's the best I could do for you under the circumstances.
    Love, Vinnie
    WWDog
    La Tech
    Region and hyphen free since 1894!
    Flagship of the University of Louisiana System

  6. #291
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    Re: Jokes II

    What do you call a man in Bawcomville walking down the road with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other?


    BISEXUAL....
    ''Don't be a bad dagh..."

  7. #292
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    Re: Jokes II

    I was thinking BAH-sexual.

  8. #293
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    Re: Jokes II

    "Good stuff"

  9. #294
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by WWDog View Post
    Great story! It could be true.

    An old gentleman lived alone is New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard and he was old and frail. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. You would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up the garden! That is where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 AM the next morning, the FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire plot, looking for bodies. They found none, apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That's the best I could do for you under the circumstances.
    Love, Vinnie
    I like it.

  10. #295
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by Dwayne From Minden View Post
    What do you call a man in Bawcomville walking down the road with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other?





    BISEXUAL....
    Texas Aggie on a date!

  11. #296
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    Re: Jokes II

    This fellow, Dave, was just certain his wife was cheating on him. They lived in a big city in a high rise apartment. He'd get home usually about 7PM after his long commute, and his wife, would have been home several hours by then. There were little signs around the apartment, like an empty beer can in the trash can. Oh, honey, that was yours from last night, she would insist. One day he had had enough. He decided to go home early and catch his wife cheating on him.

    He burst into his apartment about 5PM, Ahah! where is he? Who? his wife asked. Dave was incensed, your lover, the fellow you are having an affair with! Not so! said his wife. Dave burst into the bedroom, looked in the closet, in the bathroom...nothing. He then noticed the window leading out to the fire escape was partially open. Oh! I see....he stepped outside and looks up and then down. And at the bottom of the stairs was a man just zipping up his pants. Caught ya! you home wrecker, I'll show you! In his anger he looked around for something to use as a weapon...oh, got it!

    Dave is in line to enter Heaven. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter is there greeting everyone and chatting with them.

    St. Peter: Welcome, and tell me, how did you die?

    First Fellow: Well, St. Peter, I was homeless, down on my luck, and I had just finished pissing in an alley, when suddenly, Bam! I get crushed by a heavy kitchen appliance.

    St. Peter: Oh, that is terrible. But, welcome to Heaven my son.

    St. Peter to Dave: Tell me, my son, how did you die?

    Dave: Oh, St. Peter, I am a bad person. I thought my wife was having an affair and I saw that homeless guy zipping his pants, and in my rage, well...I shoved our heavy, state-of-the art Samsung refrigerator out the window, killing that guy. I am so sorry. And doing all of that...I had a heart attack and died.

    St. Peter, shaking his head: Well, Dave, we think you have learned your lesson. You did a bad thing...but we think there is hope for you yet.

    St. Peter to next fellow in line: Tell me, my son, how did you die?

    Second Fellow: Well, St. Peter, I was hiding in a big Samsung fridge and some idiot pushed it out a window!

  12. #297
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by dawg80 View Post
    This fellow, Dave, was just certain his wife was cheating on him. They lived in a big city in a high rise apartment. He'd get home usually about 7PM after his long commute, and his wife, would have been home several hours by then. There were little signs around the apartment, like an empty beer can in the trash can. Oh, honey, that was yours from last night, she would insist. One day he had had enough. He decided to go home early and catch his wife cheating on him.

    He burst into his apartment about 5PM, Ahah! where is he? Who? his wife asked. Dave was incensed, your lover, the fellow you are having an affair with! Not so! said his wife. Dave burst into the bedroom, looked in the closet, in the bathroom...nothing. He then noticed the window leading out to the fire escape was partially open. Oh! I see....he stepped outside and looks up and then down. And at the bottom of the stairs was a man just zipping up his pants. Caught ya! you home wrecker, I'll show you! In his anger he looked around for something to use as a weapon...oh, got it!

    Dave is in line to enter Heaven. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter is there greeting everyone and chatting with them.

    St. Peter: Welcome, and tell me, how did you die?

    First Fellow: Well, St. Peter, I was homeless, down on my luck, and I had just finished pissing in an alley, when suddenly, Bam! I get crushed by a heavy kitchen appliance.

    St. Peter: Oh, that is terrible. But, welcome to Heaven my son.

    St. Peter to Dave: Tell me, my son, how did you die?

    Dave: Oh, St. Peter, I am a bad person. I thought my wife was having an affair and I saw that homeless guy zipping his pants, and in my rage, well...I shoved our heavy, state-of-the art Samsung refrigerator out the window, killing that guy. I am so sorry. And doing all of that...I had a heart attack and died.

    St. Peter, shaking his head: Well, Dave, we think you have learned your lesson. You did a bad thing...but we think there is hope for you yet.

    St. Peter to next fellow in line: Tell me, my son, how did you die?

    Second Fellow: Well, St. Peter, I was hiding in a big Samsung fridge and some idiot pushed it out a window!
    Funny.

  13. #298
    Varsity Bulldog DawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to beholdDawgBark is a splendid one to behold
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    Re: Jokes II

    J’mar is a super star

  14. #299
    Big Dog tech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to alltech70 is a name known to all
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    Re: Jokes II

    J'Mar for Heisman?

  15. #300
    Champ techman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond reputetechman05 has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes II

    Those last 2 would be hilarious if our coach didn’t believe both are true.

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