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Thread: Jokes II

  1. #31
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    Re: Jokes II

    7 reasons not to mess with children.

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
    _________________________

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
    ______________________

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
    ___________________

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
    white."

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
    _______________________

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; She's dead. "
    _________________________

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.

    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

    A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
    _________________________

    The children of a Catholic elementary school were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

  2. #32
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    How's Norma ?

    A sweet grandmother telephoned Parkview Hospital . She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

    The operator said 'I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

    After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

    The grandmother said, 'Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

  3. #33
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    Re: Jokes II

    The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

    The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do..

    "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

    The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.

  4. #34
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by barkly View Post
    The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

    The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do..

    "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

    The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.
    Pelosi has been aweful quite since meeting with the Pope a month or so ago. I bet she received a verbal slap for sure.

  5. #35
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    Re: Jokes II

    40 THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY (OR HAVE SAID) AT WORK:


    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
    pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
    public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
    way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
    saying.

    10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
    of
    view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    24. Do I look like a people person?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

    39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

    40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different!

  6. #36
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    Re: Jokes II


    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be open when she brings it.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in

    Women will never be equal to men
    until they can walk down the street with a bald head
    and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


  7. #37
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    Re: Jokes II

    The Lie Clock

    A man died and went to heaven.
    As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
    behind him.
    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie- Clock. Every
    time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
    'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
    'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told
    a lie.'
    'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
    telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
    'Where's President OBamas clock?' asked the man.
    Obamas clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

  8. #38
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by barkly View Post
    The Lie Clock

    A man died and went to heaven.
    As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
    behind him.
    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie- Clock. Every
    time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
    'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
    'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told
    a lie.'
    'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
    telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
    'Where's President OBamas clock?' asked the man.
    Obamas clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
    I guess we're just gonna recycle the old Bill Clinton Jokes but replace Clinton with Obama now?

  9. #39
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by Dirtydawg View Post
    I guess we're just gonna recycle the old Bill Clinton Jokes but replace Clinton with Obama now?
    Dude, you're going to have go back way further than Clinton to find an original political joke.
    Last edited by Brian96; 07-11-2010 at 08:02 PM.

  10. #40
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    Re: Jokes II

    Ya gotta love the south!
    This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.
    The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously!

    Forward to all animal lovers and you'll get a cookie or doggie biscuit.

  11. #41
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    Re: Jokes II



    Could'a cast 50 Tarzan movies yesterday from the crowd on Alabama!!! LOL

  12. #42
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    Re: Jokes II

    I really love this one!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
    particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
    spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
    difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
    Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
    following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
    his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he
    accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
    realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her
    husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
    a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
    relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
    fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
    floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 16, 2009
    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
    you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
    have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your
    arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
    as uneventful as mine was.

    P. S. Sure is hot down here!

  13. #43
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    Re: Jokes II

    I am not sure if this is your kind of humor or not????????????????????????

    Gary Coleman's Casket engraved with his name on it!







  14. #44
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    Re: Jokes II

    I got raked over the coals in the 6th grade when the JFK funeral was going on over a joke I told. "Why is everybody going to Washington? To see Jack in the box."
    WWDog
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    Flagship of the University of Louisiana System

  15. #45
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by WWDog View Post
    I got raked over the coals in the 6th grade when the JFK funeral was going on over a joke I told. "Why is everybody going to Washington? To see Jack in the box."
    I guess I never heard that one in the 60's, growing up in N.O., because there weren't any JIB's in Louisiana.

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