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Thread: Jokes II

  1. #46
    Champ WWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond repute WWDog's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    Will I Live to see 80?


    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
    exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
    resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
    He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
    'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
    'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
    hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
    He asked, 'Do you gamble, or have a lot of sex?'

    'No,' I said.

    He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?"
    WWDog
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  2. #47
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    Re: Jokes II

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
    The optician showed him a card with the letters

    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

    'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

    'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

  3. #48
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    Re: Jokes II

    Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

    Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

    About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


    Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.


    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and real i zes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please -- just one more time before I die."


    She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep..

    Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."


    At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning -- you don't."
    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

  4. #49
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute TYLERTECHSAS's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by WWDog View Post
    Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

    Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

    About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


    Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.


    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and real i zes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please -- just one more time before I die."


    She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep..

    Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."


    At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning -- you don't."
    Zechariah 12:3
    Jerusalem will become a burdensome stone for all people

    Zechariah 12:9
    The God of Israel will seek to destroy all the
    nations that come against Jerusalem


    Psalm 122
    6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
    “May those who love you be secure.
    7 May there be peace within your walls
    and security within your citadels.”
    8 For the sake of my family and friends,
    I will say, “Peace be within you.”


  5. #50
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    Re: Jokes II

    The economy is so bad that?


    1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    2. African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American
    Child' commercials!

    3. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
    batteries.

    4. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
    "Can you afford fries with that?"

    5. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


    6. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    7. My ATM gave me an IOU!

    8. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
    pennies while she danced.

    9. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

    10. I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

    11. Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"

    12. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
    them and ask if they meant you or them.

    13. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

    14. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    15. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

    16. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
    childrens names.

    17. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
    re-possessed her!

    18. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    19. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

    20. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

    21. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

    22. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

    23. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
    pirates.

    24. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
    Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by
    the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

    And, finally...


    25. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
    my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
    Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them
    I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

  6. #51
    Champ WWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond repute WWDog's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    Grandma goes to Court.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

  7. #52
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute TYLERTECHSAS's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    Priceless
    Zechariah 12:3
    Jerusalem will become a burdensome stone for all people

    Zechariah 12:9
    The God of Israel will seek to destroy all the
    nations that come against Jerusalem


    Psalm 122
    6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
    “May those who love you be secure.
    7 May there be peace within your walls
    and security within your citadels.”
    8 For the sake of my family and friends,
    I will say, “Peace be within you.”


  8. #53
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by WWDog View Post
    Grandma goes to Court.
    I am laughing so hard that I nearly chokedGood one, thanks

  9. #54
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    Re: Jokes II

    The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed and vote. J

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

    Q.. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

    Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

  10. #55
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    Re: Jokes II

    OMG I almost got fired from work for laughing so hard.

  11. #56

    Re: Jokes II


  12. #57
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute TYLERTECHSAS's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.



    The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

    I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

    “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

    “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff.”

    She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
    Zechariah 12:3
    Jerusalem will become a burdensome stone for all people

    Zechariah 12:9
    The God of Israel will seek to destroy all the
    nations that come against Jerusalem


    Psalm 122
    6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
    “May those who love you be secure.
    7 May there be peace within your walls
    and security within your citadels.”
    8 For the sake of my family and friends,
    I will say, “Peace be within you.”


  13. #58
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    Re: Jokes II

    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

  14. #59
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by TYLERTECHSAS View Post
    The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.



    The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

    I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

    “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

    “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff.”

    She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
    Yuck, Yuck, Yuck

  15. #60
    Champ WWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond reputeWWDog has a reputation beyond repute WWDog's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
    They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
    lunch in a wine bar.

    Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
    Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
    required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then
    Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
    She too shares the wine.

    Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
    Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
    beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law
    firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna,
    the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

    Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
    surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
    They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
    Naples,Florida .

    Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
    boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their
    own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

    Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
    blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
    apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a
    storage facility.

    Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
    that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live
    in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

    Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
    WWDog
    La Tech Region and hyphen free since 1894!

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