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Thread: Jokes II

  1. #61
    Champ TYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond reputeTYLERTECHSAS has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by WWDog View Post
    Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
    They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
    lunch in a wine bar.

    Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
    Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
    required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then
    Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
    She too shares the wine.

    Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
    Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
    beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law
    firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna,
    the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

    Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
    surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
    They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
    Naples,Florida .

    Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
    boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their
    own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

    Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
    blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
    apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a
    storage facility.

    Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
    that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live
    in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

    Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

  2. #62
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    Re: Jokes II

    Really a good one!

  3. #63
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    Re: Jokes II

    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

  4. #64
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    Re: Jokes II

    A fire broke out at Independence Stadium in Shreveport last night. A spokesman with the Shreveport Fire Department said the fire caused $10 million worth of improvements.

  5. #65
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    Re: Jokes II

    IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
    > > >
    > > >>
    > > >These are from a book called Disorder
    > > >>in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in
    > court, word for
    > > >>word,
    > > >>
    > > >>taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment
    > of staying
    > > >
    > > >>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    > > >>

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
    > > >>you that morning?
    > > >> WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    > > >> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    > > >> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    > > >> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    > > >> WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    > at all?
    > > >> WITNESS: Yes.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    > > >> WITNESS: I forget..
    > > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
    > you forgot?
    > > >>> > >> ___________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
    > in voodoo?
    > > >> WITNESS: We both do.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    > > >> WITNESS: We do..
    > > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
    > > >> WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies
    > in his sleep
    > > >>, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    > > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    > > >> ____________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
    > > >> WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
    > > >> ___________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    > > >> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    > > >> _________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
    > 8th?
    > > >> WITNESS: Yes.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    > > >> WITNESS: Getting laid
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    > > >> WITNESS: Yes.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    > > >> WITNESS:None.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    > > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
    > > >>Can I get a new attorney?
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    > > >> WITNESS: By death..
    > > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    > > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    > > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    > > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    > > >> _____________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    > deposition
    > > >>notice which I sent to your attorney?
    > > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    > > >> ______________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed
    > on dead
    > > >> people?
    > > >> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    > > >> _________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did
    > you go to?
    > > >>
    > > >> WITNESS: Oral...
    > > >> _________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    > > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    > > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    > > >> WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
    > > >> ____________________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    > > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    > > >> ______________________________________
    > > >>
    > > >> And last:
    > > >>
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
    > for a pulse?

    > > >>WITNESS: No.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    > > >> WITNESS: No.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    > > >> WITNESS: No..
    > > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    > when you
    > > >>began the autopsy?
    > > >> WITNESS: No.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    > > >> WITNESS: Because his brain wa s s itting on my desk in a jar.
    > > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    > nevertheless?
    > > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    >
    > > >>practicing law.

  6. #66
    2011 Bowl Confidence Champion TechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond reputeTechAlum05 has a reputation beyond repute
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    Re: Jokes II

    This Day in History:

    On September 28th, 1901, LSU Engineering Professor Michael Thibodeaux and a group of his students invented the condom by using a sheep's lower intestine.

    The following year, Louisiana Tech research professors greatly refined the idea by removing the lower intestine out of the sheep first.

  7. #67
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    Re: Jokes II

    Quote Originally Posted by TechAlum05 View Post
    This Day in History:

    On September 28th, 1901, LSU Engineering Professor Michael Thibodeaux and a group of his students invented the condom by using a sheep's lower intestine.

    The following year, Louisiana Tech research professors greatly refined the idea by removing the lower intestine out of the sheep first.

  8. #68
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    Re: Jokes II

    Down in Lafourche Parish, Boudreaux gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup.

    He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment.

    He finds the man and asks, "What is I supposed to do?"

    The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.

    Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says, "Okay dey is all cleaned."

    "You want me to cook some rice?"

  9. #69
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    Re: Jokes II

    this is supposedly real. quite LOLable
    Originally Posted by champion110
    I am less angry this morning and ready to get back up on the horse. That girl was a freak last night.

    Originally Posted by champion110
    In fact, I finally had to tell her to stop over the last weekend, because I was worn out and needed a break.

  10. #70
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    Re: Jokes II

    A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

    It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax





    Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't

    Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station and an address book.

    Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

    Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

    Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

    Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

    Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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  11. #71
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    Re: Jokes II

    A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

    Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'

    'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. ' Tish ,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'

    'OH MY GOD!' Tish exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'
    WWDog
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  12. #72
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    Re: Jokes II

    Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his




    poker games and stopped foolin’ around. He started cutting the grass around




    the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!


    Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change that had done


    overtook him. Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He’s


    dat close, I wanna be good to go!


  13. #73
    Varsity Bulldog jellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the roughjellidawg is a jewel in the rough jellidawg's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes II

    You may be a Muslim if…….

    1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

    2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

    3. You have more wives than teeth.

    4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

    5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

    6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

    7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

    8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

    9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

    10. Your cousin is president of the United States.

  14. #74
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    Re: Jokes II

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists findings of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

    One week later. A local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Carencro, Louisiana , Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless".

  15. #75
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    Re: Jokes II

    You might be a Baptist if:

    1. You have gone to every Sunday morning service all your life and you’ve never heard of Song of Solomon.

    2. You have gone on Google Maps to find the fastest way from your church to the nearest Ryan’s, Shoney’s, or Fuddruckers.

    3. You’ve spent more time studying Robert’s Rules of Order for the Sunday evening church business meeting than reading the Bible for the Sunday morning sermon.

    4. You can read texts written in two languages: English and King James Version.

    5. You’ve ever had a Deacon tell you that smoking a cigarette is a sin while he was chewing tobacco.

    6. You believe that the founding father of the Baptist Church was John the Baptist.

    7. You skipped a Louisiana Tech athletic event because it was the same time as your Wednesday worship service.

    8. Your idea of the Lord’s Supper is saltine crackers and Welch’s grape juice.

    9. The suits your preacher wears on Sunday look like they could be worn by a 1970’s street pimp.

    10. Your church adjusted the length of their Sunday morning service to beat the lunch crowd from the other local churches.

    11. Your preacher perfected the art of the seamless transition from discussing The Sermon on the Mount to ranting against the ACLU.

    12. You didn’t realize until you were an adult there was not an official denomination of the Back Row Baptists.

    13. Your church needs a committee of at least 13 people to plan the next potluck supper.

    14. Your kid ever got full from disposing of the leftovers of the Lord’s Supper.

    15. You think you get extra credit in the Book of Life if you sit on the front row.

    16. The congregation pays into the church’s “building fund” for over 30 years and no improvements have ever been made.

    17. Your church always skips at least one verse of every song during the Sunday morning worship service.

    18. You and your buddy have played Paper Football with a church bulletin during the preacher’s sermon.

    19. You think dancing, drinking, and wearing clothes that expose your ankles should be added to the seven deadly sins.

    20. Your church considers annihilating the other team sin the Tuesday night Bowling League as part of the church’s “community outreach program”.

    21. You think there’s a conspiracy in the publishing world because none of the Left Behind books have ever won the Pulitzer Prize.

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